Tuesday, February 28, 2006

The REST of your life...

So I was thinking yesterday (and today) about my marriage and I realized how lucky I was to have Renata and how much I really do suck. In alot of ways I compare it to encountering God (Not that I am putting Renata on the same level as God...). I used to think I was an okay guy. I didn't consider myself "good looking" but I didn't think I was ugly. I thought I was well mannered and generally nice...but now I realize that I was way off. In reality I am hairy (but not in the right spot), chubby, smelly, incosiderate and generally repulsive. I can just imagine late at night Renata must wake up to the sound of my snoring and think, "What on earth have I gotten into?"

Just to give you a few examples of how disgusting I am:

- I leave my underwear EVERYWHERE (which I think drives her nuts...I am basising that guess on the many times she has told me NOT to do it). And I do mean everywhere. I am banned from Zellers now for leaving 3 pairs in the stuffed animal section.

- I can sometimes (most times) be too lazy to shave for about 6 months...during which I look like a homeless guy who had a bad encounter with George Forman.

- I flip out and kill people ALL the time....errrr, wait that's not me, that's ninja's.

Anyway, my point is that I am pathetic and Renata deserves some kind of medal (and perhaps counselling) for marrying me.

And guess what ladies...the guys that you are dating or want to be dating that seem so wonderful now, will likely turn out to be just as disgusting (if not more...cause I do shower daily and most don't) as me. So you might want to think about that before you go through with the wedding.

Paul

Silent Hand -vs- Astro-boy

I wonder who would win? I guess it would depend upon which Astro-boy we were talking about: the english version or the french version. Although I barely understood a word he said, the french version always seemed tougher.

Geoff, I hope to see Deathball make it into the 2010 olympics in Vancouver.

Jo, I think I can explain some of these "side effects" that you think you are experiencing.
First off, you are paranoid about ninjas because they are REALLY there. They're really in your closet, under your bed and in the pantry...but also they're in your toaster. (Don't ask me how they do it...I'm not a ninja myself). And do they ever want to kill you. I'm not really sure why they are so upset...but I think it has to do with Dr. Phil. My recommendation is that you never speak of Dr. Phil again. (From now on to be referred to as "The one we don't speak of" or TOWDSO for short. Come to think about it that isn't so short. Instead we will call him Jim.) Anyway...maybe if you stop thinking about, talking about and even hanging out with anyone that might like Jim, then maybe they will change there minds and spare you.

Secondly, it is completely normal to cover everything in BBQ sauce...it worked for Boss Hogg. In fact this could help you become rich by discovering the "next big thing" in culinary creations. So everyone will be buying the vanilla barbecue swirl ice cream that you invented.

Finally, I'm not so sure that you are actually experiencing supernatural events...I think it's more likely that you are coating things in BBQ sauce and eating them. I think you ate your syllibi, and your spark plugs too. Although I'm guessing the spark plugs were a little on the crunchy side.

Okay, that's all I've got...just remember..."That's why you don't yell".

Dr. Paul

Friday, February 24, 2006

The World's Hardest Puzzle...

So....Massie completed the "World's Hardest Puzzle" a few nights ago. I guess that basically means that he is the greatest puzzle solver ever...and if you ever a stumped and need help with a puzzle, he is your man.

Okay....now, a few suggestions from Dr. Paul:

Some of you may be suffering from a terrible form of arthritis of the middle finger from excessive flipping people off....if that's the case I have two suggestions:

1. You could stop flipping people off. The obvious problem here is that there are so many people in the run of a day that need a good flipping off. That guy that consistently cuts everyone off. The old lady that always butts in front of people in line. The cocky little kid that yells at people when they walk by...our only defense against these terrible people is the middle finger, and now I'm telling you not to use it. But maybe there is another solution...

2. Hire a ninja to kill these people. Cause we all know the facts about ninjas:

Fact 1: Ninja's are mammals.
Fact 2: Ninja's kill ALL the time.
Fact 3: The purpose of a ninja is to flip out and kill someone.

Based on these facts, ninja's are a perfect replacement to the bird. Flipping someone off may make you feel better for a few minutes...but that person will just go back to being their jerky self and do it again. Ninja's make a much more lasting impression.

In the famous words of Gob (pronouced Jobe): "Why settle for the best, when you can settle for the rest.....of your life with a younger man."

Rainman

P.S. - Jo, what does a bbq "stake" taste like????

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Blog-O-Answers from Dr. Paul

Well, the last post got alot of responses...so here are my responses to those responses:

1. Stephanie writes, "I think Dr. Paul fell asleep in elementary Grammer class--I was not asking you how dumb English is, but declaring its dumbness. Thus you in in error, my dear PhD.Still I must agree, you never know when an Italian girl will attack:-)"

First of all, never suggest that Dr. Paul is error...that is completely absurd and by suggesting it you are just making everyone hate you. Do you really want everyone to hate you??? Secondly, you really do suck at english...I mean "Thus you in in error...", how many "in's" do you need? Having said that, please don't attack me.

2. Stephanie then writes, "Dr. Paul, is my dangerousness the reason why boys are too afraid to ask me out??? Man, if I had only known all along!!! Or perhaps, it's my nose fluting...but I really don't want to give that up!:-("

No, actually it's not your dangerousness at all...it's the fact that you correct people like Dr. Paul.

3. Matthew responded with, "maybe the guys you know just don't have enough aggresive lion protons"

This is the most intelligent guy on earth...(other than myself), he actually get's it. (Also this was just really funny).

4. Charles writes, "When you look at it, hair, laziness, and growling are minute prices to pay for the amazingness Dr. Paul can provide. It worked for me!"

He is one of the best examples of a successful transfusion of lion protons. Just compare him with his brother Rob. Charles is married, successful, living in Australia and many other things while Rob is none of those.

5. Geoff writes, "So let me get this straight - I'm going to be lazier, hairier, and more aggressive?Man, I don't know - I'll never get anything done...maybe we should get together over zebra and discuss alternate treatment options."

This is just the ugly, wimpy protons speaking...

6. Some annoymous person writes, "Is this secure? I'm a little timid to be posting here, it's my first time, but I'm not a first time client. If you remember Dr. Paul I was one of your first patients to recieve, riceive, reiceve....get help. But I've begun to experience some side affects....side affects that have not been mentioned yet. For example, I was on the subway last night when out of nowhere I bit the pregnant chinese woman beside me, right on the arm. And then I started to uncontrolably honk like a gaggle of geese on the subway car. It was just like Rob Schneider.Oh and the other day I noticed a patch of hair growing on my forearm, about the size of a timbit. I just assumed it was normal since I have many of these on my back, but it really disturbed me when it spoke to me. When I showed it to my 'special friend' he/she/it noticed there were gremlins dweling among the hair follicles.I really need some help and some answers. and i struggle with bed wetting"

All of these things you talk about are completely normal...everyone wets the bed....don't worry.

7. Jo writes, "blah, blah, blah....too much to put here, but good stuff"

I am extremely impressed with your knowledge on this subject, clearly you have put alot of study into this field, yet I am afraid some of what you have been taught is slighty off. All people possess agressive protons, which we label "liotons" because they display the attributes most commonly found in the lion. But people also possess the less agressive, more humble and "cuddly" neutrons, which we generally lable "sheutrons".

In most men the liotons out number the sheutrons causing them to be more "manly" and usually somewhat repressive. In women it is the exact opposite. Of course there are exceptions to this which are becoming more prevalent in today's culture do to the introduction of pansies like Dr. Phil. Up to this point we have found it difficult to correct these variations, since even a increase of liotons added to a subject will usually result in an increase of sheutrons, because balance is important. In cases with extreme side effects, it is usually a sign that balance has been lost.

There is however a third atom that is sometimes found, which we have labelled the uglitron or "Rob" for short. These rob's enter into patients, such as Geoff and attact the weaker protons and neutrons causing low self esteem, jewish tendencies, and bad luck. In order to battle these we inject, as mentioned in the previous post, liotons into the patient to battle back against the robs.

However, in a case where a person is more Sheutron dominated, the prodcedure would be similar, but the result silghtly different. We would inject liotons to kill of the robs, which would thus cause an imbalance in the patient forcing the Sheutrons to increase on their own to level this out. unfortunately the initial imbalance can cause several days of discomfort and strange side effects such as increased manliness and desire to be apart of manly activities such as tractor pulls and bbq's. This will fade though, so fear not.

I hope that calms your nerves some. Balance is important and we need just as many sheutron dominated individuals out there as liotons.

8. Stephanie writes, "can you get arthritis when you're 22? Friday my elbow hurt, and today my middle finger hurts. I'm serious!"

I assume arthritis can strike at any age, my recommendation to you is to stop flipping people off so much....this should give your elbow and middle finger a rest.

Well...there you have it.

Dr. Paul

Monday, February 20, 2006

Some advice from Dr. Paul

First of all, I have to thank Jo for mentioning Dr. Paul...I really like the sound of that. And you are correct, I am nothing like Dr. Phil...Ha, he's so behind the times...still trying to treat issues at the mental level...I bet he has no concept of the sub-atomic problems causing these issues.

Okay, now I thought I would answer some questions:

1. Is there a waiting list to see Dr. Paul?

Well, I am a busy man...but for the right people (money) I am willing to make openings in my schedule.

2. Stephanie writes, "BTW, everytime I see the name Geoff in print, I think "Jee-Off". Kind of like when you see Colonel and have to say Ker-nel. How dumb is English."

I realize this is not a question, but I can't but notice that Stephanie appears to be struggling at the very sub-atomic level of her being. This is evidenced not only in the above statement, but also in the fact that she ended her "How dumb is English" rhetorical question with a "." as opposed to a "?". Obviously she has some serious issues...and for those of you close to her, be warned: She may be dangerous. Remember it only takes a few misaligned atoms to turn a harmless Italian girl into a savage beast of destruction.

3. Geoff writes, "And doctor, I seem to have an unhealthy self-image, is there any way we can alter my basic molecular structure so that I look, say, more like Brad Pitt? Honestly, I totally get that one, ladies. Dude is hot."

First of all, I'd like to say that I am really impressed with the progress you have already made... by complimenting Brad Pitt you are showing that you are in touch with your feminine side and that the next step towards a healthy self image is to simply learn to love you for you....at least that is what a fool like Dr. Phil may say. Unfortunately that is a total load of crap. You are unhappy with your self image because frankly you are ugly. Not a surface ugliness, but ugly at your very core...you have what has come to be called negative-protonic-depression. There is nothing wrong with your outer self....it is your cellular structure that is causing the problems. And that my friend can be fixed.

The process is still experimental, but thus far has had a 98% success rate with only mild side effects. The process itself involves extracting protons from a male lion (known for their pride and postive self esteem) and then implanting it into the subject. In a matter of minutes these new atoms begin to attack the old negative protons and replace them, thus curing the patient.

In some cases there have been a few side effects such as increased body hair growth, a tendency to growl from time to time, increased laziness, elevated agression and the occassionaly overwhelming desire to chase zebras.

Also there was one documented case of a young male becoming violent and killing 13 other patients with his finger nails and teeth....but this is a rare phenomenon.

4. Rob writes, "Dr. Paul, can you treat compulsive gambling? I mean it's not for me, it's for a friend I know, from work...who's name is...Kohlbert...Kohlbert Schmeeks, yea, he's a friend from work."

Well Rob, your "friend" has two serious problems. That's right I said two. One is compulsive gambling...which really is only a problem if he is losing. If he is winning I say keep it up. However, the REAL problem here has to do with honesty...or in this case trying to pull the wool over Dr. Paul's eyes. You may get away with that if you were dealing with a pansy like Dr. Phil, but not with me. Kohlbert Schmeeks??? Come on Rob, I wasn't born yesterday. Clearly your friend is actually Stephen Colbert. Don't try that again!

Rainman

Friday, February 17, 2006

The Doctor Will See You Now...

Well, Geoff made a good point in his last comment...since I invented Physiciatrists I guess I am officially one now, no questions asked. So if you are feeling a little depressed or uneasy about something and think it might have something to do with your sub-atomic molecules come see me.

Rainman

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

The Invention of the Phyciatrist

For many people, especially in today's day and age, there comes a time when the stress and problems in their life just become too overwhelming for them to deal with on their own. At which point, they generally seek some sort of counselling (assuming they don't just snap and go postal). It's situations like this that we see the need for the "Counsellor". These therapists focus on the mental and social aspects of the problem, and usually at this point people wouldn't call the issue an illness.

But in some cases, the problem is in fact an illness and requires more then simple counselling. For this reason we have people we call "Psychiatrists", who actually have medical training and are able to issue medication for the problem.

While the "psychiatrists" deal with chemical imbalances and other forms of mental illness, there is one area that they are unable to treat. And that is when the illness is derived in the atomic level of the individual...it is beyond a chemical imbalance...it's an inbalance of their atoms. And for this reason we require the "phyciatrist". They have the personal training of a counsellor and the medical training of the psychiatrist, but they also have the scientific know how of the physicist.

I thought about pursuing this career...but the schooling alone is like 20 years...which is just too long. I hear the pay is amazing though. If only they were around when the Incredible Hulk was having all his problems :)

Rainman

Monday, February 13, 2006

3rd Time's a Charm

Wow...so some how my last post got posted 3 times in a row. Does that make it more important? I think this is proof that I would have been terrible in the computer industry, which is what I was planning to do prior to coming to Bethany. I had just completed my college training to be a Network Administrator/Technician...

This got me thinking about Geoff's blog and his ideas of what he would have done if he could go back and pick a different field...I wonder what I would have done?

Lawyer - For most of my life I wanted to go into law...I think mostly because it pays well. The big deterent for me was having to read all those law cases...so I changed my mind...

Phyciatrist - I honestly considered going into counselling, because I was told I was good at helping people sort through there problems...however, there is just one problem: I hate people. I guess that's a pretty big one though...especially in that field.

Musician - This is a huge dream of mine but I think I lack some of the necessary elements. 1. Talent, not saying I have none...but just not any amazing amount. 2. I like to shower daily. 3. I hate people and travelling with them :)

Con Artist - Anyone who knows of my past life knows that I really was fascinated with this seedy side of life...I think if God hadn't saved me from that life I would be deep into it now. Hating people actually was a benefit in this one.

Hitman - I realize that this is a tricky field to get into, but I read a book when I was younger written from the perspective of a hitman and I thought it sounded fascinating...again hating people helped here. The downside is I doubt I could actually kill anyone...so unless there is a type of hitman that doesn't actually kill people I don't think I could get the job. Is there a warning-man? A guy who just shoots a warning shot at the guy to let him know the hit is coming if he doesn't do whatever it is he is supposed to do? Cause I could do that.

Ugly Sidekick - You know...the friend that makes the other friends look good by comparison.

Any suggestions?

Rainman

P.S. - I don't really hate people.

P.S.S. - I have to say that...

Extreme Makeover : Church Edition

Last night Renata and I watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition...and it got me thinking:
"Why aren't we doing this???" This seems like something that churches should be doing, although probably not to this scale since we couldn't afford it, but I'm sure most churches could find someone in their community that could use some help.

I look around my own church and see that there are lots of "handy" people that could do this kind of service. Plus I see a bunch of benefits:

1. It gives people in the church a chance to use their God-given skills in practical ways.
2. It helps great community within the church.
3. It is a great outreach.
4. It will ACTUALLY paint the church in a positive light for the first time in long time.
5. It is practical way to be the body of Christ to our community.
6. People that may not be interested in serving in alot of other ministries may be interested in this.
7. It is good for church promotion.
8. It gives a chance for the community to contribute to the community, and I would imagine would be a positive light in alot of otherwise negative lives.
9. It helps people that need it.
10. It would make for a good book...lol

So yeah, that's what I am thinking. I can't wait to get on staff and dream, and maybe even get to do some of this.

Rainman

Extreme Makeover : Church Edition

Last night Renata and I watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition...and it got me thinking:
"Why aren't we doing this???" This seems like something that churches should be doing, although probably not to this scale since we couldn't afford it, but I'm sure most churches could find someone in their community that could use some help.

I look around my own church and see that there are lots of "handy" people that could do this kind of service. Plus I see a bunch of benefits:

1. It gives people in the church a chance to use their God-given skills in practical ways.
2. It helps great community within the church.
3. It is a great outreach.
4. It will ACTUALLY paint the church in a positive light for the first time in long time.
5. It is practical way to be the body of Christ to our community.
6. People that may not be interested in serving in alot of other ministries may be interested in this.
7. It is good for church promotion.
8. It gives a chance for the community to contribute to the community, and I would imagine would be a positive light in alot of otherwise negative lives.
9. It helps people that need it.
10. It would make for a good book...lol

So yeah, that's what I am thinking. I can't wait to get on staff and dream, and maybe even get to do some of this.

Rainman

Extreme Makeover : Church Edition

Last night Renata and I watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition...and it got me thinking:
"Why aren't we doing this???" This seems like something that churches should be doing, although probably not to this scale since we couldn't afford it, but I'm sure most churches could find someone in their community that could use some help.

I look around my own church and see that there are lots of "handy" people that could do this kind of service. Plus I see a bunch of benefits:

1. It gives people in the church a chance to use their God-given skills in practical ways.
2. It helps great community within the church.
3. It is a great outreach.
4. It will ACTUALLY paint the church in a positive light for the first time in long time.
5. It is practical way to be the body of Christ to our community.
6. People that may not be interested in serving in alot of other ministries may be interested in this.
7. It is good for church promotion.
8. It gives a chance for the community to contribute to the community, and I would imagine would be a positive light in alot of otherwise negative lives.
9. It helps people that need it.
10. It would make for a good book...lol

So yeah, that's what I am thinking. I can't wait to get on staff and dream, and maybe even get to do some of this.

Rainman

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Matching Robes and Green Jell-o.

Hmmm...judging from the responses to my last post...Rob and Massie want me to start a cult. I'm not really opposed to that...although I'm not a big fan of mass suicide.

I think I would make a good cult leader...I can be pretty persuasive...

Say "Yes, he can".

Say it.

Seriously, say it...

Come on, please say it...

HA! See...I persuaded you to say it! (If for some reason you were not persuaded...that was because I was using reverse psychology on you, to make you NOT say it. Yeah, I'm sneaky).

Rainman

Monday, February 06, 2006

Doing life...together.

I just read a post, on another blog by Rob Meeks, and he made a comment that really caught my attention because I've been really thinking about the same thing lately. As Christians, we've really gotten out of the whole "doing life" together thing. More and more we seem to compartmentalize our faith until we almost have two lives: The everyday world me and the spiritual me. I don't believe God ever made us to be that way. We look at our churches and wonder why they are struggling...when to me this seems like a major reason. We come together a couple of times a week to worship, maybe have a Bible Study or a prayer group...but that's not life. Don't get me wrong...those are all great things...but sometimes it seems like we are focusing on head knowledge and not heart experience.

As the body of Christ we should be united and living life together at all times...not just once or twice a week. I look at how the Jews taught their children in the Bible and how Jesus taught his disciples and I long for that. To just be around great mentors and have them poor out their wisdom whenever they can....and I long to do the same.

I realize this is a bit of a rant, but really this is a post to remind me of what is truly important, because in a few months I will be responsible for seeing that this comes true. One of my responsibilities at Saint John First is going likely going to be working with the small groups and getting systems in place for them...and I want to be reminded that the main goal is just to live life together. So many leaders spend all their time searching for the right material and curriculum (Which is good) but small groups are meant to be more than that. Anyway...just needed to say that to myself.

Rainman

Friday, February 03, 2006

Dreams, Big Jumps and Stephanie's...

Okay...first of all dreaming.
Am I the only one that feels that you can control your dreams? Renata and I were having this argument last night: She suggested that lucid dreaming is not within our control, while I suggested that you can, provided you realize that you are dreaming. I say this from my experience:

When I was "little" I used to get terrible nightmares. In fact, it seemed like every night some creature , person or possibly even flowers were kicking my butt...until one day I decided enough was enough and I began to fight back. Since that point I have developed the ability to take control of my dreams and interact with them as I see fit. I haven't been able to completely alter them, but simply interact and change my situation...for example if a giant is attacking me I can't make myself a giant, but I can some how give myself giant strength and fight back.

(Back on the nightmare thing...one of the nightmares I constantly had as a small child was that the Easter Bunny was out to get me...that's how pathetic I was).

As for my dream last night...it was out there. I dreamed that Jon, Some random girl and I were on a trip...driving in a van. Then Jon decided to jump this bridge thing...and I mean jump! We flew about a thousand feet up in the air and came smashing down on the other side....actually as we were falling I said "Oh wow, we're definitely going to die". But we didn't instead we somehow survived...and miraculously so did the van...it was one of the old Dodge Caravans...they don't make them like that any more (Able to withstand massive jumps).

Anyway, once we landed we realized that the police would likely be coming because they would consider a 1000ft high jump reckless driving, so we got out of the van to hide. Instead of the police, two guys straight out of the 80's showed up in an old school Pontiac Firebird and began chasing us...At this point I interacted with the dream and gave myself the ability to kick 80's butt. And thus began the flight of a life time. Ironically Jon just hid while the girl took on the other guy. We kicked their mullet sporting butts, got back in the van and then I woke up to my alarm.

Now....Stephanie. First let me say that I have had bad luck in the past with Stephanies and am starting to think that you are a Anti-Hibernite. Is this true! As for the sickness thing...we would develop some drugs to counteract that and a special pajama suite that would ensure cleanliness during the full sleep cycle. Oh and just to be clear...I am a visionary here! That doesn't mean I need to fix every single problem!

Rainman