Some advice from Dr. Paul

First of all, I have to thank Jo for mentioning Dr. Paul...I really like the sound of that. And you are correct, I am nothing like Dr. Phil...Ha, he's so behind the times...still trying to treat issues at the mental level...I bet he has no concept of the sub-atomic problems causing these issues.

Okay, now I thought I would answer some questions:

1. Is there a waiting list to see Dr. Paul?

Well, I am a busy man...but for the right people (money) I am willing to make openings in my schedule.

2. Stephanie writes, "BTW, everytime I see the name Geoff in print, I think "Jee-Off". Kind of like when you see Colonel and have to say Ker-nel. How dumb is English."

I realize this is not a question, but I can't but notice that Stephanie appears to be struggling at the very sub-atomic level of her being. This is evidenced not only in the above statement, but also in the fact that she ended her "How dumb is English" rhetorical question with a "." as opposed to a "?". Obviously she has some serious issues...and for those of you close to her, be warned: She may be dangerous. Remember it only takes a few misaligned atoms to turn a harmless Italian girl into a savage beast of destruction.

3. Geoff writes, "And doctor, I seem to have an unhealthy self-image, is there any way we can alter my basic molecular structure so that I look, say, more like Brad Pitt? Honestly, I totally get that one, ladies. Dude is hot."

First of all, I'd like to say that I am really impressed with the progress you have already made... by complimenting Brad Pitt you are showing that you are in touch with your feminine side and that the next step towards a healthy self image is to simply learn to love you for you....at least that is what a fool like Dr. Phil may say. Unfortunately that is a total load of crap. You are unhappy with your self image because frankly you are ugly. Not a surface ugliness, but ugly at your very core...you have what has come to be called negative-protonic-depression. There is nothing wrong with your outer self....it is your cellular structure that is causing the problems. And that my friend can be fixed.

The process is still experimental, but thus far has had a 98% success rate with only mild side effects. The process itself involves extracting protons from a male lion (known for their pride and postive self esteem) and then implanting it into the subject. In a matter of minutes these new atoms begin to attack the old negative protons and replace them, thus curing the patient.

In some cases there have been a few side effects such as increased body hair growth, a tendency to growl from time to time, increased laziness, elevated agression and the occassionaly overwhelming desire to chase zebras.

Also there was one documented case of a young male becoming violent and killing 13 other patients with his finger nails and teeth....but this is a rare phenomenon.

4. Rob writes, "Dr. Paul, can you treat compulsive gambling? I mean it's not for me, it's for a friend I know, from work...who's name is...Kohlbert...Kohlbert Schmeeks, yea, he's a friend from work."

Well Rob, your "friend" has two serious problems. That's right I said two. One is compulsive gambling...which really is only a problem if he is losing. If he is winning I say keep it up. However, the REAL problem here has to do with honesty...or in this case trying to pull the wool over Dr. Paul's eyes. You may get away with that if you were dealing with a pansy like Dr. Phil, but not with me. Kohlbert Schmeeks??? Come on Rob, I wasn't born yesterday. Clearly your friend is actually Stephen Colbert. Don't try that again!

Rainman