I Hate the Intertron....Am I Bad Person?

Okay...maybe hate is a strong word...but honestly...I'm not much of an internet surfer. While some of you are out there "hangin' ten", I'm casually walking on the beach line barely getting my feet wet. When I do searches, I take one of the top 10 sites and look no further...why...cause I have what doctors will some day call interreaditis. You see, it's not that I hate the idea of the intertron...it's that I hate reading things on computer screens. I'm not exactly sure why...although I think it might be related to kilts in some way.

I say all this, so that you will understand why I barely ever check anyone else's blog. It's not because I don't love you people....it's just that I don't love you enough to overcome this terrible illness. :) But today I took a chance and looked at Chuck's post about the utilikilt...and I gotta say...it made me giggle openly. These crazy kids and their crazy ideas...when will they learn that guys in skirts is only cool if your drunk.

Speaking of being drunk....
I just finished reading and interesting book called...well honestly I can't remember the name, but it had something to do with a dead dog. (I realized that has nothing to do with being drunk...but I needed a transition, and that seemed like a good one). Anyway, this story was written from the perspective of an autistic child...and I realized something. I have alot in common with autistic people. (Although I'm not entirely sure I'm spelling that right...stupid english language). In fact, I would say I'm "Tistic"....which is what I'm assuming they would call someone who has all the downsides of autism, but none of the up.

In other news, I lost my wedding ring a day ago...or rather our cat took it...is that a bad sign?

And also I did a super-hero test and found out that I'm 75% Captain Jack Sparrow. On the plus side, he was my favorite character in that movie. On the downside, I'm a dirty, smelly pirate with bad dental hygene.

Is the answer the Mong(patent pending)?

Sorry to disappoint you chuck...but I say a hearty "NO!" Here's why:

During my childhood years there was at least a 2 to 3 year period where I wasn't exactly "cool". (Many would argue that the period is more like 28 years and counting). Anyway...as many of you out there would know, kids that are not "cool" are often plagued by a great evil known as "The Wedgie". Now, to my knowledge (although maybe I'm simply blocking out the memories) I can only recall receiving a wedgie on less than 10 occassions. However, that was enough for me to decide that I didn't like it. Therefore the thought of choosing to begin each day with that experience (afterall that is what the mong offers) doesn't appeal to me at all.

Matt...you might be on to something. No not the "wear" idea, but your comment about the culture. I'm not real keen on the idea of of going naked...since as Seinfeld showed us, there's "good naked and bad naked", but maybe the Scots have been onto something: The Kilt.

Of course there are some possible downsides to the kilt. First of all, I'm not sure I'm a kilt kinda guy. I mean...isn't it really close to being a skirt? Secondly, they HAVE to be seasonal...you can't wear that in the winter. Thirdly, and this leads me back to the skirt thing, there is the danger of it being a gateway article of clothing to cross dressing. I mean, you start with the kilt, next thing you know you're hitting the tanning salon because of your pasty thighs. Then your contemplating shaving....or maybe even high heels to give you that toned form. Pretty soon your heading out on weekends under your other name, "Suzy".

Anyway...these are the dangers I see which unfortunately keep me in underwear, no matter how warm they are.

The Truth About Underwear...

Well, okay...so maybe not the "truth" but at least my thoughts. I should probably warn you that this is going to be graphic...well, maybe not graphic...but it is going to involve me talking about my underwear.

So here's the thing. I don't like them. No, don't get ahead of me here....I wear them, in fact I won't leave the house without wearing them. You see, my problem is they are so warm in the summer time. But on the other side of things, I can't imagine going outside without that support. So really I have a dilemna. What's the solution...I don't know.

Maybe the answer is air conditioning. One of you out there....get on this....air conditioned underwear. I'll buy them...provided they're reasonably priced.

G.I. Joe -vs- the USA

I titled this post "G.I. Joe -vs- the USA", but then I remembered the catch phrase in the G.I. Joe song..."a real American hero". I'm guessing that if they were to go up against the US that they'd no longer be able to use that line. Although it could still make sense...I mean maybe Joe is a little upset with the recent happenings in the US...maybe that's set him off. Maybe Joe got tired of doing all the dirty work?

Okay...back on topic. First, let me say that G.I. Joe, despite being much smaller than Barbie, could still kick her plastic butt any day of the week. (Except maybe Saturday...I think that's his day off.) So, Cantankerous, you were wise to choose him over your Barbie dolls.

Secondly, I just blew up the hardest beach ball ever. (Well the ball itself isn't hard...it was just hard to fill with air). Anyway...this got me wondering...why on earth is it called a beach ball. That's pretty limiting really. If I was marketing this product, I would have called the "EVERYWHERE BALL". I mean...it's great for indoor or outdoor playing...the light weight makes it safe for just about any environment. (Except maybe Scotland).

Thirdly, women need to know that men don't notice things like haircuts or make up shades. It's not because we don't love you, or don't pay attention to you...it's because we work within percentages. You see our internal system sees a woman and rates her in beauty percentage. Anything above 50% is at least mildly attractive. For most guys...their wives, girlfriends, or significant other would rate somewhere around 100% to them. Now...this part is important: Our brain will only alert us of change if these percentages drop below the 50% attractive line. Obviously, a drastic change is required to make sure a change. A haircut wouldn't likely do it....unless they shaved off all your hair and possibly the top 2 inches of your head....this we would likely notice. So you see...it would have to be pretty bad for us to notice.

I realize that in most cases these changes are actually GOOD changes. The haircut suits you very well, and may even add many beauty percentage marks...so why don't we notice? Because positive change doesn't register. Our alarm only goes off in emergencies....if you get MORE attractive, that's GREAT, just don't expect an alarm.

So basically what I am getting at, is that anything I know about men or women I learned from G.I. Joe...so you probably should just ignore my explanations.