Inside the Head of The Rainman

Come on...EVERYBODY does it!

2007-05-25T12:39:00.000-03:00

A few months ago, the apartment building which my wife and I live in was purchased by a large corporation. Since this "change of hands" several changes have happened with regard to what is and is not allowed within our building. One of those changes was that satellites were no longer allowed. This was an unfortunate change for us because we had enjoyed Bell Expressvu up to this point...but since we didn't have much of a choice, we switched over to Roger's Digital Cable.

So far I haven't been extremely impressed with our cable, but in Roger's defence we did choose to go with one of the cheaper packages. Unfortunately, the channel selection is pretty minimal...and I find myself watching things that I normally wouldn't bother with.

One of those shows is "MTV Hacked"...which I guess is basically just an MTV type news/talk show thing. Usually this is on during the lunch hour and I use this show as my commercial show during the Price is Right (yes...I watch the Price is Right). Anyway...I say all this to get to what I really wanted to talk about.

Yesterday on the show the two hosts (a male and a female) were discussing some of the breaking news. One of the stories was about the 4 women who were fired from their job for "gossiping" about their boss. Most of you have probably heard about this...but the thing that really caught my attention was that the argument set forth by the female host as to why their actions were okay was that "everyone does it".

First off, in all honesty, I would agree that far too many people DO gossip...and whether it was appropriate to fire someone over it is not for me to decide, but what makes me laugh is how we justify actions based on the status quo. _________ is okay now because everyone does it. And you can fit just about anything in there....gossiping, lying, cheating, etc.

At what point do you limit that argument? When do we finally stop and say..."Hey, society is going downhill...and just because everyone is doing something, doesn't mean it is the right thing to do"...does it?

For instance, we're hearing alot about school shootings lately...how many of those happen before some teenager can argue that it's okay because it's what everyone is doing. "Yeah...I shot 14 teenagers...but they picked on me...and that's how the status quo deals with bullies, so it's okay."

I Need You Happy, Buy This Camel...

2007-05-16T09:38:00.000-03:00

I've never fancied myself a writer...although I often wish I was. (The only things really holding me back are my lack of creativity and poor grammar...of course, I'm pretty sure these are considered pretty important for writers). However, Laura...you've inspired me. Some day I will write a book and it will be titled "I Need You Happy, Buy This Camel".

If I get REALLY ambitious I may even put out a whole Camel series:

"I Need You Happy, Buy This Camel"
"Don't Settle for One Hump When You Could Have Two"
"If You're Thirsty, This Humps for You"
"Duck, Duck, Camel!"
"Purpose Driven Camel"
"Left With Humps"
etc.

It'll be the next big thing...coming soon to a store near you...go inside to see inventory.

To View Inventory...

2007-05-15T11:38:00.000-03:00

I was in Lower Sackville this past weekend and saw a sign that had me laughing all weekend.

The sign said, "To View Inventory Enter Building".

Now maybe it's just me...but isn't that kind of a given? I mean if there are people out there that are too dumb to figure out how to "shop" at a store, do you even want them in your building?

Anyway...maybe this sign has actually done wonders for their sales and they will go into business selling these signs to stores all over the country. Soon we will see huge banners outside of Walmart declaring that we should go inside to see their inventory.

Of course at that point we may need other useful signs like:

"To Go Home, Leave Through Doors"

etc. (Feel free to add your own)

It's All Fun and Games...Until Marvin the Martian Flips You Off...

2007-04-17T13:37:00.000-03:00

Today I was driving to work and noticed that the car ahead of me had a bumper sticker on it comprised of Marvin the Martian flipping the bird. Normally, I probably wouldn't even have noticed this...but since my promise to Chuck, I seem to have a heightened sense for detecting middle fingers. (Again, this may be some form of super power...but if it is, it isn't a real useful one. "Oh, so you can turn invisible, fly and stop bullets with your mind...big whoop! I can tell when little Johnny is giving someone the middle finger 12 blocks away!")

Of course, once I noticed this bumper sticker I had to stay true to my word and get REALLY angry. So, taking Maria's advice, I got REALLY angry and looked for something big to throw. The biggest thing within range seemed to be my car...so...at the next light, I came to a complete stop...waited for the appropriate time to launch my vehicle of death into the air and onto Marvin, and then...like the huge wuss that I am, I simply drove away.

Did I get really angry? Technically no. Did I throw something big at the guy? Also technically a no. But as I drove casually past his car, I think he got my message.

Hmmm...I just had an idea...I need to find that bumper sticker, and put it on the front of my car. That way if I ever see that guy again, I can give him a taste of his own medicine.

My New Promise...

2007-04-13T10:33:00.000-03:00

For Charles' sake I am promising to, from this point on, get REALLY angry if anyone "flips me off". I mean REALLY angry...the kind of angry where your head almost explodes. (I didn't really want to put in the word "almost" but of course if my head DID explode then I'd be dead. Unless of course I had some super power where I could grow a new one...like that guy in the "Men in Black" movies. However, as super powers go...I don't think that's on the top of my list).

Speaking of "the bird", that brings up an funny memory. When I was growing up, my best friend's dad wanted to teach his son that the middle finger didn't inherently mean something bad. In order to accomplish this, he told his son that it meant "Merry Christmas". So whenever he would drive by us, he would give us "the finger", and we would return it back to him and shout "Merry Christmas!" Thinking back on it now, I have to wonder what the neighbors all thought of us when they witness it. Of course, one things for sure...they could be confident that we weren't 12 killer seals armed with rocket launchers.

New Improved Nyquill...We're Hoping It Doesn't Kill You This Time!

2007-04-12T08:19:00.000-03:00

So this past Tuesday morning I began to have that "oh no, I think I'm getting sick" feeling. You know the one I'm talking about. I'm sure the "feelings" are different for everyone, but in my case there are certian things that start to happen...and when they do, I can usually be pretty certain that I am about to take a turn for the worst. Which I did...

By Tuesday evening I was contemplating hiring a hitman to put me out of my misery. In fact, by late evening I had a fever that got so out of control that I actually started to Hallucinate. (Which is something that hasn't happened to me since I was a child). And to make matters worse, we really didn't have any appropriate medicine in the house to counter this...so I just had to suffer through it until Wednesday morning when the stores re-opened.

Yesterday, my loving wife headed off to the pharmacy to pick me up some medicine. The process she went through probably took awhile, especially since the list of symptoms I expressed didn't really match any of those listed on the boxes. ("Hmmm...let's see...this one deals with fever, this one deals with sore throats...excuse me, do any of these deal with 'my whole body feels like it is being stabbed by a savage army of imps'?) Anyway...long story short, she chose DayQuill/NyQuill liguid caps.

First, let me commend the good people over at "Quill" for a terrific product that so far is helping alot. (Please send check or money order for endorsement to...)

However, the real thing I want to highlight here is what I noticed on the box...in bold letters it said "New Formula". Which kinda got me thinking, because I wasn't sure how I felt about it...

For starters, it didn't have the word "Improved" in there anywhere...so am I supposed to be happy about this new formula? I mean maybe the new formula is actually half as effective so that you need to take more of them, which in turn increases sales for the company. If that's the case, then I hate the new formula!

Secondly, it makes me wonder what was wrong with the "old formula"? Especially since I have taken it on occassion. Was there some crazy side effect to it? Like, perhaps it could turn you into a rabbit or worse...kill you? (Hmmm...is death REALLY worse then being turned into a rabbit?)

Finally, it made me a little nervous about what they DIDN'T know about the "new formula". I mean, the old one worked pretty well...but apparently could turn you into a rabbit...but what can the new one do? Which brings me to the main reason for this post...if you see the following:

- A human sized rabbit (hopefully sans fever).
- A leprechaun with a head made out of Lucky Charms.
- 12 Killer seals armed with rocket launchers.
- She-Ra.

...don't be alarmed. It's just me, after the side effects from the "new formula". PLEASE don't shoot me...that will not help me get better.

(On second thought, you probably SHOULD be alarmed if you see 12 Killer Seals armed with rocket launchers...10 or 11 is no cause for panic...but 12...that's scary).

Lactose Factos...

2007-01-18T09:43:00.000-04:00

This morning I forgot to bring milk with me to work for my coffee (I have a coffee maker in my office, and a fridge...but no milk). So I decided I would explore the communal fridge and see if by chance there was any milk in there. I was delighted when I found almost an entire container. The only problem was that the date on the milk said "Jan. 10" which would mean that the jug is about a week past the best before date.

So my question is...how do you tell if that milk is any good??? I'm no expert on this, so I basically did what I've seen other people do:

First I smelled it...unfortunately, in my opinion it smelled like milk, which doesn't smell that great to begin with. So since I had no real baseline of smell to compare this against, this approach was inconclusive.

Next, I looked at it...I wasn't totally sure what to look for...although I did scan for lumps, and luckily there were none. It wasn't black, it didn't have green moldies floating in it, and no lumps...in my opinion it looked like milk and therefore past that test.

These are the only things I've really seen people try...but I still wasn't convinced this milk was safe. So I decided maybe I needed some more tests. The question was, what would they be??? Then it hit me...these are all based on senses...I used my vision and my sense of smell...so maybe I should attempt to use my other senses.

So, next I tried my sense of hearing. Which, for those who know me isn't exactly good to begin with. Anyway, I got my ear in close to the milk and listened for some sign of sourness...I'm not sure what that would sound like...a strange bubbling perhaps? Maybe the sound of milk having a bad attitude (sour...get it...wow, bad joke). Unfortunately, once again this test didn't return any incredible results...and to be honest I felt a bit foolish.

Touching seemed to be the next obvious step...but I wasn't keen on ACTUALLY touching the milk. Partially because I didn't want to be covered in milk and partially because I certainly wouldn't want to drink milk that had been all over me. So instead I used a spoon to stir it. Not only did the spoon move safely through it, but when I pulled it back out it looked fine. The milk had not become acidic or anything.

After all these tests, I decided I would just take a chance and use it in my coffee. And it was at this point that I realized I had missed one test...the taste test. Needless to say that this one probably would have saved me...because my coffee tasted HORRIBLE. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure that milk was bad...

The Passing of Technology...

2007-01-11T16:02:00.000-04:00

I'm beginning to believe that there is a direct corelation (probably spelled that incorrectly, but I'm too anti-technology to use spell checker) between aging and the disregard of technological advancements. I don't mean that as you get older you stop keeping up with technology, although that sometimes happens...I mean that as you get older, you actually start going backwards in advancements.

I'm basing this on myself...lately I've taken to working on yellow note pads. What's that about? I mean I can do things WAY faster, and edit them on a computer...but instead I prefer the notepad.

I've also started using a REAL calendar as opposed to the online calendar I usually use.

This is really scaring me. At this rate, I estimate that by the age of 40 I will no longer have running water in my house.

The FACTS on FAX...

2006-11-17T15:05:00.000-04:00

Well, today I decided that I officially hate fax machines. Okay, maybe that statement isn't entirely fair...after all, it's not actually the machine itself that I hate...it's the system.
I hate faxing things...
I hate that we CAN fax things....
I hate that people provide the option to fax things...mostly because this usually means they don't have the form available online for completion electronically.

So here's my thought...everyone gather up your fax machines and burn them...

Your Frozen Entrees May Be In Danger...

2006-11-03T13:28:00.000-04:00

I was putting away a few things in our church kitchen when I noticed something intriguing...both of the freezers in the kitchen have locks on them. I'm not talking about padlocks that have been added on later...I mean factory installed locks. So this got me thinking...why?

Clearly the answer is that our frozen foods are in danger of being stolen.

Somewhere out there in the world is an evil so fiendish that it would bypass all the jewerly, electronics and loose change in your home to get at your freezer! Is it a single man? Is a beast? Is it part man/part beast? Is part man/part beast/part lego? These are the questions that I cannot answer. In fact, we could potentially be dealing with an entire team of man-beast-lego men. An army of plastic accessory toting masterminds determined to have your frozen peas!

All I can say is thank you to the freezer makers who were wise enough to prepare the future...now make sure you lock those locks!

Longer Nights...

2006-09-06T08:57:00.000-03:00

Generally I try to be to work by 9am...which means I usually get out of bed around 8am. During the summer this seemed pretty easy because by 7am the sun was hitting me right in the eyes. However, this past week I've begun to notice a change in that. Now it seems like the sun isn't coming in my window until after 8am...which is making it harder and harder to get up in the morning.

Obviously this is a natural process that happens every year...but knowing that doesn't help a whole lot when my room is dark and my bed is comfortable first thing in the morning. Which is why I think we should have work hours that coincide with the day light. This could have the potential to have us working VERY long days in the summer...so we'd have to limit ourselves there. But in the winter we could have some really short work days...which seems great to me!

Of course I'm still all for us hibernating in the winter or perhaps making it illegal to work before 10am and after 5pm. Anything that allows me to sleep for extended periods of time seems like a good idea.

Anonymous...

2006-09-01T11:26:00.001-03:00

I enjoy getting comments from "anonymous" people...partially because I start to imagine all of the anonymous comments as being from a single person. Here is what I imagine about this person:

1. They're male. They could probably just as easily be female, but the name "Anonymous" sounds a little masculine. Like Optimus or Gary.

2. His parents were hippies. This one is obvious...I mean who, other than pot smoking hippies, would name their child "Anonymous". Well...I suppose it also sounds Greek, so it could have been a Greek family, or a Greek family of pot smoking hippies.

3. He has a short fuse. Generally comments let by anonymous are laced with anger, foul language, and a slight hint of dijonaise.

4. He's a fan of passive aggression. Rather than own up to his opinions, he'd prefer to make them from the safety of a code name.

5. He's afraid of small children, uncut tobacco, and books with more than 300 pages.

6. He's ashamed of his family. This is obvious because he refuses to use his last name.

7. His favorite movie is "The Little Mermaid", although he'd never admit it.

8. He's sexually attracted to fire. I heard this once on "The Simpsons" and I think it probably applies here.

9. He has multiple personalities. This is obvious from looking at the extremely varied stances that his posts take.

10. He's deathly allergic to sound.

Anonymous...

2006-09-01T11:26:00.000-03:00

Crazy Alien Dogs...

2006-08-24T15:57:00.000-03:00

So I was flipping through the channels during a commercial the other night and I saw a thing on Much Music claiming that some unidentified animal was found in Toronto. Apparently it looked kinda like a wolf, but had blue lips and glowing blue eyes...well at least the eyes glowed prior to the thing being killed by a car.

Anyway...I'm too lazy to search the Intertron to find out what the deal was...so some of you computer savvy cats with too much time on your hands should fill me in. (Seriously, I mean cats. I know they are wired in to the Intertron. I swear one night I woke up and saw Emma surfing the net, drinking a coke, and order the destruction of a Russia submarine).

Corn is Evil.

2006-08-23T13:44:00.000-03:00

Based Sween's reply to my"Dolls are Creepy" post, I've deduced that corn is of the devil. This helps to account for the fact that corn does not breakdown inside of us, and comes out in the same shape it went in. Clearly, our bodies weren't created to process evil like that.

However, don't feel you need to start boycotting popcorn...I've determined that it is perfectly safe for us. In fact, the reason it "pops" is because that is the evil being blown out of it.

Moral of the story...If you see someone who you believed to be possessed, simply put them in a popcorn maker and blown the devil right out of them.

Dolls are Creepy...

2006-08-08T16:29:00.000-03:00

For those of you wondering how I ever ended up with such an amazing wife...I'll let you in on a little secret: She's actually a big geek. Part of the proof of this is her facination with the tv show X-Files. (Although in her defense she watches it mostly for the drama between the characters, which seems to be a normal female characteristic...and may reduce the geek factor). Anyway, part of being married is taking an interest in the things your other half is interested in. So I've been watching various episodes with her from time to time...although I prefer the interesting/freaky stories over the drama part. Well, one of the episodes was written by Stephen King and was about this crazy evil doll...and it got me thinking: Dolls really are creepy. And not just the evil demon possessed ones...I mean ALL dolls.

However, that little insight of mine made me start to question something else...(Here it is in the form of an equation, which I think I learned in philosophy):

Dolls are Creepy...
Dolls look like little girls...
--------------------------
Little girls are creepy.

There you have it...little girls are in fact creepy. If you don't already fear them, I recommend you start.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, now time for a revealing question...

When I'm alone in the church at night I sometimes get scared. Is that normal, or am I just a huge wuss?

(Keep in mind that any responses that I find offensive will result in you being visited by several creepy little girls).

I Hate the Intertron....Am I Bad Person?

2006-07-31T16:34:00.000-03:00

Okay...maybe hate is a strong word...but honestly...I'm not much of an internet surfer. While some of you are out there "hangin' ten", I'm casually walking on the beach line barely getting my feet wet. When I do searches, I take one of the top 10 sites and look no further...why...cause I have what doctors will some day call interreaditis. You see, it's not that I hate the idea of the intertron...it's that I hate reading things on computer screens. I'm not exactly sure why...although I think it might be related to kilts in some way.

I say all this, so that you will understand why I barely ever check anyone else's blog. It's not because I don't love you people....it's just that I don't love you enough to overcome this terrible illness. :) But today I took a chance and looked at Chuck's post about the utilikilt...and I gotta say...it made me giggle openly. These crazy kids and their crazy ideas...when will they learn that guys in skirts is only cool if your drunk.

Speaking of being drunk....
I just finished reading and interesting book called...well honestly I can't remember the name, but it had something to do with a dead dog. (I realized that has nothing to do with being drunk...but I needed a transition, and that seemed like a good one). Anyway, this story was written from the perspective of an autistic child...and I realized something. I have alot in common with autistic people. (Although I'm not entirely sure I'm spelling that right...stupid english language). In fact, I would say I'm "Tistic"....which is what I'm assuming they would call someone who has all the downsides of autism, but none of the up.

In other news, I lost my wedding ring a day ago...or rather our cat took it...is that a bad sign?

And also I did a super-hero test and found out that I'm 75% Captain Jack Sparrow. On the plus side, he was my favorite character in that movie. On the downside, I'm a dirty, smelly pirate with bad dental hygene.

Is the answer the Mong(patent pending)?

2006-07-12T12:52:00.000-03:00

Sorry to disappoint you chuck...but I say a hearty "NO!" Here's why:

During my childhood years there was at least a 2 to 3 year period where I wasn't exactly "cool". (Many would argue that the period is more like 28 years and counting). Anyway...as many of you out there would know, kids that are not "cool" are often plagued by a great evil known as "The Wedgie". Now, to my knowledge (although maybe I'm simply blocking out the memories) I can only recall receiving a wedgie on less than 10 occassions. However, that was enough for me to decide that I didn't like it. Therefore the thought of choosing to begin each day with that experience (afterall that is what the mong offers) doesn't appeal to me at all.

Matt...you might be on to something. No not the "wear" idea, but your comment about the culture. I'm not real keen on the idea of of going naked...since as Seinfeld showed us, there's "good naked and bad naked", but maybe the Scots have been onto something: The Kilt.

Of course there are some possible downsides to the kilt. First of all, I'm not sure I'm a kilt kinda guy. I mean...isn't it really close to being a skirt? Secondly, they HAVE to be seasonal...you can't wear that in the winter. Thirdly, and this leads me back to the skirt thing, there is the danger of it being a gateway article of clothing to cross dressing. I mean, you start with the kilt, next thing you know you're hitting the tanning salon because of your pasty thighs. Then your contemplating shaving....or maybe even high heels to give you that toned form. Pretty soon your heading out on weekends under your other name, "Suzy".

Anyway...these are the dangers I see which unfortunately keep me in underwear, no matter how warm they are.

The Truth About Underwear...

2006-07-11T14:51:00.000-03:00

Well, okay...so maybe not the "truth" but at least my thoughts. I should probably warn you that this is going to be graphic...well, maybe not graphic...but it is going to involve me talking about my underwear.

So here's the thing. I don't like them. No, don't get ahead of me here....I wear them, in fact I won't leave the house without wearing them. You see, my problem is they are so warm in the summer time. But on the other side of things, I can't imagine going outside without that support. So really I have a dilemna. What's the solution...I don't know.

Maybe the answer is air conditioning. One of you out there....get on this....air conditioned underwear. I'll buy them...provided they're reasonably priced.

G.I. Joe -vs- the USA

2006-07-04T17:43:00.000-03:00

I titled this post "G.I. Joe -vs- the USA", but then I remembered the catch phrase in the G.I. Joe song..."a real American hero". I'm guessing that if they were to go up against the US that they'd no longer be able to use that line. Although it could still make sense...I mean maybe Joe is a little upset with the recent happenings in the US...maybe that's set him off. Maybe Joe got tired of doing all the dirty work?

Okay...back on topic. First, let me say that G.I. Joe, despite being much smaller than Barbie, could still kick her plastic butt any day of the week. (Except maybe Saturday...I think that's his day off.) So, Cantankerous, you were wise to choose him over your Barbie dolls.

Secondly, I just blew up the hardest beach ball ever. (Well the ball itself isn't hard...it was just hard to fill with air). Anyway...this got me wondering...why on earth is it called a beach ball. That's pretty limiting really. If I was marketing this product, I would have called the "EVERYWHERE BALL". I mean...it's great for indoor or outdoor playing...the light weight makes it safe for just about any environment. (Except maybe Scotland).

Thirdly, women need to know that men don't notice things like haircuts or make up shades. It's not because we don't love you, or don't pay attention to you...it's because we work within percentages. You see our internal system sees a woman and rates her in beauty percentage. Anything above 50% is at least mildly attractive. For most guys...their wives, girlfriends, or significant other would rate somewhere around 100% to them. Now...this part is important: Our brain will only alert us of change if these percentages drop below the 50% attractive line. Obviously, a drastic change is required to make sure a change. A haircut wouldn't likely do it....unless they shaved off all your hair and possibly the top 2 inches of your head....this we would likely notice. So you see...it would have to be pretty bad for us to notice.

I realize that in most cases these changes are actually GOOD changes. The haircut suits you very well, and may even add many beauty percentage marks...so why don't we notice? Because positive change doesn't register. Our alarm only goes off in emergencies....if you get MORE attractive, that's GREAT, just don't expect an alarm.

So basically what I am getting at, is that anything I know about men or women I learned from G.I. Joe...so you probably should just ignore my explanations.

Silly Jo...EWF is for kids.

2006-06-30T12:23:00.000-03:00

Okay...so EWF really isn't for kids...but I couldn't help myself. Those Trix's slogans are addictive. But in reality I should warn you that you DON'T find EWF agents...they find you. That is if they want to. If they don't want to, then obviously they aren't going to bother finding you...and really I guess they don't need to "find" you at all, because EWF agents already know where everyone is. In fact, they know where EVERYTHING is...which makes them a great help if you lose you keys.

Speaking of keys...I'm starting to wonder if I ever ACTUALLY lose my keys...or if perhaps they move on their own. Kind of like the movie "Toy Story"...although without all the toys...cause we all know the idea of keys being alive makes sense...but living toys...COME ON!

You what toy I miss the most...well actually it's a whole set of toys. GI Joe. I still think they were one of the best toy ideas to ever come out. In fact it saddens me a little to see some of the pathetic toys children have today. Okay...that's not entirely true...I mean it would be true if I had any idea as to what kids play with these days, but since I fear children more then nuclear holocaust I don't. But I'm sure they all suck.

You know whatelse sucks...ants. We recently had to have our apartment fumigated (how on earth do you spell that?) because they decided to invade. And I mean it when I say invade. I think they're goal was to actually eliminate us and take up residence in our apartment. Likely from there they would organize strike forces and invade neighboring apartments, buildings and eventually the whole world. Luckily if they managed to become too big a threat the EWF agents would shut them down!

So I guess what I'm really saying is that while green Jell-o is kind of grosse and purple Jell-o has a strange smell to it, red Jell-o is still pretty good in my books.

Misused Punctuation and the Great Cover-Up!

2006-06-23T11:15:00.000-03:00

First of all, in honor of Matthew I intend to blatantly misuse punctuation throughout this entire post? (Is that how you spell "misuse"...does anyone even know!)

Secondly, I confronted Mr. Geoff Hooper yesterday about his total disregard of our friendship and he "claimed" that there WAS in fact a link to my blog titled, "nutpunch"? So, I checked it out...and to my surprise suddenly there was a link$ (I am aware that the "$" sign is not a form of punctuation , but haven't you always wanted to use it like it was*)

So here's what I think happened...

First of all, I believe Geoff is apart of an elite anti-anti-terrorist group (as in these guys stop anti-terrorists from stopping terrorists) called Earth, Wind and Fire% (Keep in mind that "wind" is pronounced "whined", and should not be confused with the singing group)! Currently the E.W.F, as I will call them, is developing a secret weapon called "Mom"? I'm not sure what the details are, or what this weapon is capable of...but I have heard rumors that it produces a nagging desire in all those affected to clean their rooms! In fact, one source suggested that people become so focused on cleaning their rooms that they die from exhaustion and malnutrition@

As you can see, I've been watching this elite group...and therefore, they are in turn watching me? They take note of my every move...including my every blog() (So now you see why I can't blog very often...I'm too afraid to)

So now that you know that much it's easy to see what happened here? They read my blog, gave Geoffry McLiarpants a heads up...he fixed his blog and BOOM no more Eiffel Tower%&

Well Geoff...the jig is up? Nice try...but no cigar? (Seriously, there bad for you)

The War is ON!

2006-06-22T14:25:00.000-03:00

So I was just taking a break from memorizing my sermon for this week, and I thought I would browse a few blogs. At first this was a mildly enjoyable experience until I stumbled upon Geoff Hooper's blog. Oh sure I was having a great time reading his silly debate about exo-skeleton versus gelatinus goo...(Although we ALL know that being entirely made of air is the way to go)...but then a comment from AJ Thomas caught my attention. He was celebrating that fact that his name under Geoff's "Blogger's in Arms" section was "Normal Male Haircut". Instantly an excitement arouse within me as I anticipated what my name might be...

But then I looked....

And to my dismay, not only was I without a clever name, but I actually didn't even make the list. I mean COME ON! I have know Geoff for 10 or so years now. I talk to him more than I talk to my own father....who does he think he is?!!

So here's the thing...I'm not very happy right now. In fact, if there was a small rodent, bunny or Lexmark printer in my office I would be inclined to kick it right now. Luckily I'm not allowed to have any of those since that last incident. But I need some sort of justice. So the question is...what should I do?

It's Official...I HATE Springing Forward

2006-04-04T14:13:00.000-03:00

I'm not gonna lie...my internal clock is extremely confused and bewildered. In fact, I think it is blaming me for the current state that we're in. The result's been that I'm now having trouble sleeping, yet feel exhausted and WANT to sleep.

It's times like this when I realize the need for a change. Honestly, I was starting to consider removing "world domination" from my list of things to do...but I see now that I am needed more than ever. For far too long we've been at the mercy of tryants who think they can just change the time whenever they darn well please...WELL NOT ANY MORE! It's time that we showed those commie's whose boss. (I realize that they aren't actually communists, but in the eighties movies that always seems to be a powerful battle cry...so I thought it might work here). Whose with me???

In case I haven't earned your support yet, here is a small (partial) list of the changes I will impliment when I come into power:

1. NO MORE TIME CHANGES!
- I like "fall back" just as much as the next guy...but if it means having to "spring forward" then forget it. In fact...I'm sick and tired of time zones too...let's squash those. Everyone will be on one standard time....we shall call it "Who cares if it is lighter out here then it is there, we are just happy to say that it is 9pm here when it is 9pm there Time" or "Fat Tony Time" for short. (Which will be shortened further to "FTT"...and if you don't like Fat Tony will break your knee caps).
- You know what...I'm actually feeling pretty ambitious...I might try to do away with time altogether. Then when you get hired for a job they will say, "Around here, you show up when you feel like it and leave when you feel like. We don't punch clocks...cause they don't exist any more".

2. RED JELL-O FRIDAYS!
- I don't know about you, but this whole Fish on Fridays business has gone too far in my opinion. The special at McDonald's on Friday is the Fish Fillet Combo. Who wants that??? I mean that's not even a meal...it's like bait for the real meal. From now on...Friday's will be Steak day...and even McDonalds will serve steak...and if you are vegitarian...well in the words of Steve Banter "TO DANG BAD!" Oh, and every meal will be served with a free Red Jell-o....not that terrible tasting purple and orange gunk.

3. NO MORE PETTY CRIMES!
- I'm tired of tax dollars going towards drawn out court cases and jail time. From now on, everything will be solved by a fight to the death. You steal someone's car....the two of you fight to the death...the winner gets the car. Sure it may be harsh...but I bet it will get people back in the gym. Okay...maybe instead of fighting to the death, we have "Running Man" style justice. Just like in the movie...if you commit a crime you go into a maze where you try to escape the killer guys. Only we won't use killer guys...we will use genetically enhanced, crazy grandmothers. Trust me...one run through a maze with my grandmother chasing a criminal, talking his ear off would turn anyone straight.

4. BE NICE TO EACH OTHER DAY!
- I'm all for being a jerk...but sometimes people make a habit out it. I think if we had one day a week where everyone was nice to each other, the world would be alot more relaxed. So every Monday (Cause that day sucks) will be BE NICE DAY...or Jake Holder Day for short. And guess what...if you aren't nice...you go in the maze with my grandmother! (Oh and special rewards will be given out to those who can be the nicest to my wife. She deserves it).

5. LOWER GAS COSTS!
- Have you filled up your car lately??? To me it's pretty lame when it would be cheaper to have a car that ran on loonies and dollar bills then on gas. So I propose we do just that. from now on gas will be the currency, and money will be used as fuel. Wallets are out...and those backpacks that hold water, or in this case combustable fuel, are in. TAKE THAT BUSH! See, all the world's problems can be solved if you just have a little creativity.

There you have it...if I feel like I might post some more ideas. If I don't, then in the words of Sam Butterschmit..."TO DANG BAD!"

Paul

Silence of the Lamb...

2006-03-28T08:33:00.000-04:00

I'd like to say that I haven't posted recently due to the fact that I was abducted by the Russians because I was getting too close to the truth. I'd like to say that....but it would be a lie. In reality, I have just had little interest in writing due to the large amount of writing I have had to do for papers. This is "crunch" time afterall.

Now, having said that...just because I wasn't abducted, doesn't mean I was wrong about the Russians. Think about it...if they had abducted me, it would have been obvious. These guys are pros remember....they know how to the play the game.

Speaking of playing games, Renata found an old VHS tape of hers that had some episodes of X-Files on them...and I gotta say, that show really wasn't very good. What were we thinking when we watched it? (Oh and I realize that has nothing to do with games...but I'm writing this, not you....so back off!)

It is a strange phenomenon of men that we seem to always be looking for the "conspiracy" in things. I think that's why a show like X-Files did so well. For some reason we can't help but feel like there is something more to our everyday mundane lives. I wonder if this is, in a way, part of our desire for God? Or maybe just a need for adventure? I know that I crave adventure from time to time...although if I really did stumble upon a huge plot by the Russian's and they came to kill me, I think I would get over that desire VERY quickly. Now don't get me wrong... I don't necessarily think that I'm a wuss (I am), but I have a very low tolerance for being killed. Seriously...I think it might be an allergy. There have been very few times when I thought I might die and my body COMPLETELY rejected it. I'm sure there are medications you can take for that...but I figure I can live with an allergy to death.

By the way...If you are reading this, and smell a slight odor that reminds you of vodka...RUN!

Consistently Inconsistent

2006-03-17T12:04:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since I've blogged...not because I haven't had any good ideas, but mostly because I'm lazy and inconsistent when it comes to actually writing these ideas out.

So let me ask you guys a question...
Have any of you been to Russia lately?

I personally have not...in fact I've never been there, but I've spent some time thinking about former Red Communists and a thought popped into my mind. What if there was no collapse? What if the Communists are still in power in Mother Russia and this is all part of a cleverly thought out plan to take over the world? It makes sense...people were hot on their trail, constantly watching them...so they "pretend" to fall from power to get the attention off them. Meanwhile they are lying in wait, watching and planning...waiting for the right time to strike. I could be wrong...but then again I could be right.

I've also come up with a much more cost effective way to help people quit smoking. I call it virtual smoking. They say that people usually have a harder time getting over the routine more then they do the actual nicotine...so let's make a computer program that simulates the routine. People in offices all over North America could pop onto the program every few hours and have a simulated smoke (Cancer free) and relax for a few minutes in their chairs. Wow, just talking about is making me crave one...anyone have a virtual light?

I was just looking in Jon's bathrooom, and I noticed that he has alot of Nivea For Men stuff...which gave me a flashback to my childhood. When I was little my Mom was always putting Nivea cream on my face if I had a sunburn and maybe even just randomly. Does that mean that all this time I was using female cosmetics?

Rainman

Loose Ends...

2006-03-06T00:47:00.000-04:00

It's late...and I don't really have alot of creative energy flowing right now, but I guess I will take the time to reply to some you.

1. Stephanie - I visited your blog...looked at the pictures, then was reminded of my incredibly short attention span. I plan to go back there again...I just haven't succeeded in following through on that yet. I think I may be self centered. (Hmmm...do you suppose that simply thinking you are self centered is proof that you are? Cause I mean...you are thinking about yourself.)

2. Sween - Starbucks is a different type of coffee then Tim Horton's. And Budweiser is definitely a different type of coffee. I'm not sure if it has caffine or not...but I've been told that beer leads to a mental deficiency involving a deep obsession with parrots, commitment issues and a severe hatred for people named Doug. Of course I also heard that coffee causes cancer. (Actually I've never heard that...but so many things are attributed to causing cancer that I'm just going to operate under the assumption that EVERYTHING does.)

3. Jo - I think it's funny that anyone would actually read this stuff...cause half the time I'm sure I don't make any sense at all. But if it is "link worthy" in your opinion, then by all means add it. As for Renata...I'm sure she won't mind at all...although both of us are guilty of going days without updating our blogs. Hers are usually much more intellectually interesting though. (Hey, I just realized that I have this strange habit of putting quotation marks around things that aren't actually quotes. For instance here...I said "link worthy" as if I was quoting you...but I wasn't. I wonder if there is counseling for that?)

4. Anonymous - You came into my life for a brief period...but you had such an impact that I wish you would return. Your comments always give me that little pick me up I need...I miss you Anonymous.

5. Matt - I have been to your blog and appreciate your system. Although I'm concerned a little about something...maybe it's just me, but I get this vibe that you might have something against "Doug's"...is this true. Are you on the wagon? We can help you. If nothing else, we can help you replace your unhealthy alcoholism with a healthy and more socially acceptable caffine addiction.

Okay...my energy is run out. Wow that is a grammatically terrible sentance. It almost sounds like I no understand the english.

Paul

Wow...this is how it feels to be punched in the face.

2006-03-03T12:10:00.000-04:00

Every once in awhile I actually learn a thing or two...and today has been one of those days. So here's a little list of some things I learned:

1. Technology hates me. I'm not really sure why...I don't even know when it all began, but it is extremely obvious to me now. Need some evidence?
Exibit A: Jon's computer. First Call of Duty 2 crashed three times. Then Need For Speed Most Wanted broke...then his internet decided to fail me.
Exhibit B: I keep losing on the "Roll Up the RIM to WIN" from Tim Horton's...although in my case it should be called "Spend Money to Feel like a Loser". I'm not sure why I feel this falls under the technology part, but I figure that with coffee this good it has to be technologically advanced.

2. The person who "claims" that you get used to getting up early is a liar. I've been waking up for 6:15am for half a semester now, and every time it feels like someone is sacking me.

3. Bright Sunny Days = Intense Cold. Sure, it looks extremely nice out...but once you step outside you discover that it is pathetically cold.

4. Blogging is the new time killer. This morning I spent an hour "surfing" blogs...and I don't usually do that much. I can't imagine how much time people normally lose when they consistently read everyone's blog.

5. Friday before March Break is basically useless. This morning I went to class and wanted to pay attention...but let's face it...it's break time...

6. I am too lazy to continue...wow...that's pretty bad...too lazy to even finish this post...

The REST of your life...

2006-02-28T14:16:00.000-04:00

So I was thinking yesterday (and today) about my marriage and I realized how lucky I was to have Renata and how much I really do suck. In alot of ways I compare it to encountering God (Not that I am putting Renata on the same level as God...). I used to think I was an okay guy. I didn't consider myself "good looking" but I didn't think I was ugly. I thought I was well mannered and generally nice...but now I realize that I was way off. In reality I am hairy (but not in the right spot), chubby, smelly, incosiderate and generally repulsive. I can just imagine late at night Renata must wake up to the sound of my snoring and think, "What on earth have I gotten into?"

Just to give you a few examples of how disgusting I am:

- I leave my underwear EVERYWHERE (which I think drives her nuts...I am basising that guess on the many times she has told me NOT to do it). And I do mean everywhere. I am banned from Zellers now for leaving 3 pairs in the stuffed animal section.

- I can sometimes (most times) be too lazy to shave for about 6 months...during which I look like a homeless guy who had a bad encounter with George Forman.

- I flip out and kill people ALL the time....errrr, wait that's not me, that's ninja's.

Anyway, my point is that I am pathetic and Renata deserves some kind of medal (and perhaps counselling) for marrying me.

And guess what ladies...the guys that you are dating or want to be dating that seem so wonderful now, will likely turn out to be just as disgusting (if not more...cause I do shower daily and most don't) as me. So you might want to think about that before you go through with the wedding.

Paul

Silent Hand -vs- Astro-boy

2006-02-28T09:36:00.000-04:00

I wonder who would win? I guess it would depend upon which Astro-boy we were talking about: the english version or the french version. Although I barely understood a word he said, the french version always seemed tougher.

Geoff, I hope to see Deathball make it into the 2010 olympics in Vancouver.

Jo, I think I can explain some of these "side effects" that you think you are experiencing.
First off, you are paranoid about ninjas because they are REALLY there. They're really in your closet, under your bed and in the pantry...but also they're in your toaster. (Don't ask me how they do it...I'm not a ninja myself). And do they ever want to kill you. I'm not really sure why they are so upset...but I think it has to do with Dr. Phil. My recommendation is that you never speak of Dr. Phil again. (From now on to be referred to as "The one we don't speak of" or TOWDSO for short. Come to think about it that isn't so short. Instead we will call him Jim.) Anyway...maybe if you stop thinking about, talking about and even hanging out with anyone that might like Jim, then maybe they will change there minds and spare you.

Secondly, it is completely normal to cover everything in BBQ sauce...it worked for Boss Hogg. In fact this could help you become rich by discovering the "next big thing" in culinary creations. So everyone will be buying the vanilla barbecue swirl ice cream that you invented.

Finally, I'm not so sure that you are actually experiencing supernatural events...I think it's more likely that you are coating things in BBQ sauce and eating them. I think you ate your syllibi, and your spark plugs too. Although I'm guessing the spark plugs were a little on the crunchy side.

Okay, that's all I've got...just remember..."That's why you don't yell".

Dr. Paul

The World's Hardest Puzzle...

2006-02-24T12:40:00.000-04:00

So....Massie completed the "World's Hardest Puzzle" a few nights ago. I guess that basically means that he is the greatest puzzle solver ever...and if you ever a stumped and need help with a puzzle, he is your man.

Okay....now, a few suggestions from Dr. Paul:

Some of you may be suffering from a terrible form of arthritis of the middle finger from excessive flipping people off....if that's the case I have two suggestions:

1. You could stop flipping people off. The obvious problem here is that there are so many people in the run of a day that need a good flipping off. That guy that consistently cuts everyone off. The old lady that always butts in front of people in line. The cocky little kid that yells at people when they walk by...our only defense against these terrible people is the middle finger, and now I'm telling you not to use it. But maybe there is another solution...

2. Hire a ninja to kill these people. Cause we all know the facts about ninjas:

Fact 1: Ninja's are mammals.
Fact 2: Ninja's kill ALL the time.
Fact 3: The purpose of a ninja is to flip out and kill someone.

Based on these facts, ninja's are a perfect replacement to the bird. Flipping someone off may make you feel better for a few minutes...but that person will just go back to being their jerky self and do it again. Ninja's make a much more lasting impression.

In the famous words of Gob (pronouced Jobe): "Why settle for the best, when you can settle for the rest.....of your life with a younger man."

Rainman

P.S. - Jo, what does a bbq "stake" taste like????

Blog-O-Answers from Dr. Paul

2006-02-22T10:44:00.000-04:00

Well, the last post got alot of responses...so here are my responses to those responses:

1. Stephanie writes, "I think Dr. Paul fell asleep in elementary Grammer class--I was not asking you how dumb English is, but declaring its dumbness. Thus you in in error, my dear PhD.Still I must agree, you never know when an Italian girl will attack:-)"

First of all, never suggest that Dr. Paul is error...that is completely absurd and by suggesting it you are just making everyone hate you. Do you really want everyone to hate you??? Secondly, you really do suck at english...I mean "Thus you in in error...", how many "in's" do you need? Having said that, please don't attack me.

2. Stephanie then writes, "Dr. Paul, is my dangerousness the reason why boys are too afraid to ask me out??? Man, if I had only known all along!!! Or perhaps, it's my nose fluting...but I really don't want to give that up!:-("

No, actually it's not your dangerousness at all...it's the fact that you correct people like Dr. Paul.

3. Matthew responded with, "maybe the guys you know just don't have enough aggresive lion protons"

This is the most intelligent guy on earth...(other than myself), he actually get's it. (Also this was just really funny).

4. Charles writes, "When you look at it, hair, laziness, and growling are minute prices to pay for the amazingness Dr. Paul can provide. It worked for me!"

He is one of the best examples of a successful transfusion of lion protons. Just compare him with his brother Rob. Charles is married, successful, living in Australia and many other things while Rob is none of those.

5. Geoff writes, "So let me get this straight - I'm going to be lazier, hairier, and more aggressive?Man, I don't know - I'll never get anything done...maybe we should get together over zebra and discuss alternate treatment options."

This is just the ugly, wimpy protons speaking...

6. Some annoymous person writes, "Is this secure? I'm a little timid to be posting here, it's my first time, but I'm not a first time client. If you remember Dr. Paul I was one of your first patients to recieve, riceive, reiceve....get help. But I've begun to experience some side affects....side affects that have not been mentioned yet. For example, I was on the subway last night when out of nowhere I bit the pregnant chinese woman beside me, right on the arm. And then I started to uncontrolably honk like a gaggle of geese on the subway car. It was just like Rob Schneider.Oh and the other day I noticed a patch of hair growing on my forearm, about the size of a timbit. I just assumed it was normal since I have many of these on my back, but it really disturbed me when it spoke to me. When I showed it to my 'special friend' he/she/it noticed there were gremlins dweling among the hair follicles.I really need some help and some answers. and i struggle with bed wetting"

All of these things you talk about are completely normal...everyone wets the bed....don't worry.

7. Jo writes, "blah, blah, blah....too much to put here, but good stuff"

I am extremely impressed with your knowledge on this subject, clearly you have put alot of study into this field, yet I am afraid some of what you have been taught is slighty off. All people possess agressive protons, which we label "liotons" because they display the attributes most commonly found in the lion. But people also possess the less agressive, more humble and "cuddly" neutrons, which we generally lable "sheutrons".

In most men the liotons out number the sheutrons causing them to be more "manly" and usually somewhat repressive. In women it is the exact opposite. Of course there are exceptions to this which are becoming more prevalent in today's culture do to the introduction of pansies like Dr. Phil. Up to this point we have found it difficult to correct these variations, since even a increase of liotons added to a subject will usually result in an increase of sheutrons, because balance is important. In cases with extreme side effects, it is usually a sign that balance has been lost.

There is however a third atom that is sometimes found, which we have labelled the uglitron or "Rob" for short. These rob's enter into patients, such as Geoff and attact the weaker protons and neutrons causing low self esteem, jewish tendencies, and bad luck. In order to battle these we inject, as mentioned in the previous post, liotons into the patient to battle back against the robs.

However, in a case where a person is more Sheutron dominated, the prodcedure would be similar, but the result silghtly different. We would inject liotons to kill of the robs, which would thus cause an imbalance in the patient forcing the Sheutrons to increase on their own to level this out. unfortunately the initial imbalance can cause several days of discomfort and strange side effects such as increased manliness and desire to be apart of manly activities such as tractor pulls and bbq's. This will fade though, so fear not.

I hope that calms your nerves some. Balance is important and we need just as many sheutron dominated individuals out there as liotons.

8. Stephanie writes, "can you get arthritis when you're 22? Friday my elbow hurt, and today my middle finger hurts. I'm serious!"

I assume arthritis can strike at any age, my recommendation to you is to stop flipping people off so much....this should give your elbow and middle finger a rest.

Well...there you have it.

Dr. Paul

Some advice from Dr. Paul

2006-02-20T09:43:00.000-04:00

First of all, I have to thank Jo for mentioning Dr. Paul...I really like the sound of that. And you are correct, I am nothing like Dr. Phil...Ha, he's so behind the times...still trying to treat issues at the mental level...I bet he has no concept of the sub-atomic problems causing these issues.

Okay, now I thought I would answer some questions:

1. Is there a waiting list to see Dr. Paul?

Well, I am a busy man...but for the right people (money) I am willing to make openings in my schedule.

2. Stephanie writes, "BTW, everytime I see the name Geoff in print, I think "Jee-Off". Kind of like when you see Colonel and have to say Ker-nel. How dumb is English."

I realize this is not a question, but I can't but notice that Stephanie appears to be struggling at the very sub-atomic level of her being. This is evidenced not only in the above statement, but also in the fact that she ended her "How dumb is English" rhetorical question with a "." as opposed to a "?". Obviously she has some serious issues...and for those of you close to her, be warned: She may be dangerous. Remember it only takes a few misaligned atoms to turn a harmless Italian girl into a savage beast of destruction.

3. Geoff writes, "And doctor, I seem to have an unhealthy self-image, is there any way we can alter my basic molecular structure so that I look, say, more like Brad Pitt? Honestly, I totally get that one, ladies. Dude is hot."

First of all, I'd like to say that I am really impressed with the progress you have already made... by complimenting Brad Pitt you are showing that you are in touch with your feminine side and that the next step towards a healthy self image is to simply learn to love you for you....at least that is what a fool like Dr. Phil may say. Unfortunately that is a total load of crap. You are unhappy with your self image because frankly you are ugly. Not a surface ugliness, but ugly at your very core...you have what has come to be called negative-protonic-depression. There is nothing wrong with your outer self....it is your cellular structure that is causing the problems. And that my friend can be fixed.

The process is still experimental, but thus far has had a 98% success rate with only mild side effects. The process itself involves extracting protons from a male lion (known for their pride and postive self esteem) and then implanting it into the subject. In a matter of minutes these new atoms begin to attack the old negative protons and replace them, thus curing the patient.

In some cases there have been a few side effects such as increased body hair growth, a tendency to growl from time to time, increased laziness, elevated agression and the occassionaly overwhelming desire to chase zebras.

Also there was one documented case of a young male becoming violent and killing 13 other patients with his finger nails and teeth....but this is a rare phenomenon.

4. Rob writes, "Dr. Paul, can you treat compulsive gambling? I mean it's not for me, it's for a friend I know, from work...who's name is...Kohlbert...Kohlbert Schmeeks, yea, he's a friend from work."

Well Rob, your "friend" has two serious problems. That's right I said two. One is compulsive gambling...which really is only a problem if he is losing. If he is winning I say keep it up. However, the REAL problem here has to do with honesty...or in this case trying to pull the wool over Dr. Paul's eyes. You may get away with that if you were dealing with a pansy like Dr. Phil, but not with me. Kohlbert Schmeeks??? Come on Rob, I wasn't born yesterday. Clearly your friend is actually Stephen Colbert. Don't try that again!

Rainman

The Doctor Will See You Now...

2006-02-17T11:29:00.000-04:00

Well, Geoff made a good point in his last comment...since I invented Physiciatrists I guess I am officially one now, no questions asked. So if you are feeling a little depressed or uneasy about something and think it might have something to do with your sub-atomic molecules come see me.

Rainman

The Invention of the Phyciatrist

2006-02-14T12:18:00.000-04:00

For many people, especially in today's day and age, there comes a time when the stress and problems in their life just become too overwhelming for them to deal with on their own. At which point, they generally seek some sort of counselling (assuming they don't just snap and go postal). It's situations like this that we see the need for the "Counsellor". These therapists focus on the mental and social aspects of the problem, and usually at this point people wouldn't call the issue an illness.

But in some cases, the problem is in fact an illness and requires more then simple counselling. For this reason we have people we call "Psychiatrists", who actually have medical training and are able to issue medication for the problem.

While the "psychiatrists" deal with chemical imbalances and other forms of mental illness, there is one area that they are unable to treat. And that is when the illness is derived in the atomic level of the individual...it is beyond a chemical imbalance...it's an inbalance of their atoms. And for this reason we require the "phyciatrist". They have the personal training of a counsellor and the medical training of the psychiatrist, but they also have the scientific know how of the physicist.

I thought about pursuing this career...but the schooling alone is like 20 years...which is just too long. I hear the pay is amazing though. If only they were around when the Incredible Hulk was having all his problems :)

Rainman

3rd Time's a Charm

2006-02-13T15:13:00.000-04:00

Wow...so some how my last post got posted 3 times in a row. Does that make it more important? I think this is proof that I would have been terrible in the computer industry, which is what I was planning to do prior to coming to Bethany. I had just completed my college training to be a Network Administrator/Technician...

This got me thinking about Geoff's blog and his ideas of what he would have done if he could go back and pick a different field...I wonder what I would have done?

Lawyer - For most of my life I wanted to go into law...I think mostly because it pays well. The big deterent for me was having to read all those law cases...so I changed my mind...

Phyciatrist - I honestly considered going into counselling, because I was told I was good at helping people sort through there problems...however, there is just one problem: I hate people. I guess that's a pretty big one though...especially in that field.

Musician - This is a huge dream of mine but I think I lack some of the necessary elements. 1. Talent, not saying I have none...but just not any amazing amount. 2. I like to shower daily. 3. I hate people and travelling with them :)

Con Artist - Anyone who knows of my past life knows that I really was fascinated with this seedy side of life...I think if God hadn't saved me from that life I would be deep into it now. Hating people actually was a benefit in this one.

Hitman - I realize that this is a tricky field to get into, but I read a book when I was younger written from the perspective of a hitman and I thought it sounded fascinating...again hating people helped here. The downside is I doubt I could actually kill anyone...so unless there is a type of hitman that doesn't actually kill people I don't think I could get the job. Is there a warning-man? A guy who just shoots a warning shot at the guy to let him know the hit is coming if he doesn't do whatever it is he is supposed to do? Cause I could do that.

Ugly Sidekick - You know...the friend that makes the other friends look good by comparison.

Any suggestions?

Rainman

P.S. - I don't really hate people.

P.S.S. - I have to say that...

Extreme Makeover : Church Edition

2006-02-13T11:08:00.002-04:00

Last night Renata and I watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition...and it got me thinking:
"Why aren't we doing this???" This seems like something that churches should be doing, although probably not to this scale since we couldn't afford it, but I'm sure most churches could find someone in their community that could use some help.

I look around my own church and see that there are lots of "handy" people that could do this kind of service. Plus I see a bunch of benefits:

1. It gives people in the church a chance to use their God-given skills in practical ways.
2. It helps great community within the church.
3. It is a great outreach.
4. It will ACTUALLY paint the church in a positive light for the first time in long time.
5. It is practical way to be the body of Christ to our community.
6. People that may not be interested in serving in alot of other ministries may be interested in this.
7. It is good for church promotion.
8. It gives a chance for the community to contribute to the community, and I would imagine would be a positive light in alot of otherwise negative lives.
9. It helps people that need it.
10. It would make for a good book...lol

So yeah, that's what I am thinking. I can't wait to get on staff and dream, and maybe even get to do some of this.

Rainman

Extreme Makeover : Church Edition

2006-02-13T11:08:00.001-04:00

Extreme Makeover : Church Edition

2006-02-13T11:08:00.000-04:00

Matching Robes and Green Jell-o.

2006-02-07T11:39:00.000-04:00

Hmmm...judging from the responses to my last post...Rob and Massie want me to start a cult. I'm not really opposed to that...although I'm not a big fan of mass suicide.

I think I would make a good cult leader...I can be pretty persuasive...

Say "Yes, he can".

Say it.

Seriously, say it...

Come on, please say it...

HA! See...I persuaded you to say it! (If for some reason you were not persuaded...that was because I was using reverse psychology on you, to make you NOT say it. Yeah, I'm sneaky).

Rainman

Doing life...together.

2006-02-06T12:00:00.000-04:00

I just read a post, on another blog by Rob Meeks, and he made a comment that really caught my attention because I've been really thinking about the same thing lately. As Christians, we've really gotten out of the whole "doing life" together thing. More and more we seem to compartmentalize our faith until we almost have two lives: The everyday world me and the spiritual me. I don't believe God ever made us to be that way. We look at our churches and wonder why they are struggling...when to me this seems like a major reason. We come together a couple of times a week to worship, maybe have a Bible Study or a prayer group...but that's not life. Don't get me wrong...those are all great things...but sometimes it seems like we are focusing on head knowledge and not heart experience.

As the body of Christ we should be united and living life together at all times...not just once or twice a week. I look at how the Jews taught their children in the Bible and how Jesus taught his disciples and I long for that. To just be around great mentors and have them poor out their wisdom whenever they can....and I long to do the same.

I realize this is a bit of a rant, but really this is a post to remind me of what is truly important, because in a few months I will be responsible for seeing that this comes true. One of my responsibilities at Saint John First is going likely going to be working with the small groups and getting systems in place for them...and I want to be reminded that the main goal is just to live life together. So many leaders spend all their time searching for the right material and curriculum (Which is good) but small groups are meant to be more than that. Anyway...just needed to say that to myself.

Rainman

Dreams, Big Jumps and Stephanie's...

2006-02-03T09:20:00.000-04:00

Okay...first of all dreaming.
Am I the only one that feels that you can control your dreams? Renata and I were having this argument last night: She suggested that lucid dreaming is not within our control, while I suggested that you can, provided you realize that you are dreaming. I say this from my experience:

When I was "little" I used to get terrible nightmares. In fact, it seemed like every night some creature , person or possibly even flowers were kicking my butt...until one day I decided enough was enough and I began to fight back. Since that point I have developed the ability to take control of my dreams and interact with them as I see fit. I haven't been able to completely alter them, but simply interact and change my situation...for example if a giant is attacking me I can't make myself a giant, but I can some how give myself giant strength and fight back.

(Back on the nightmare thing...one of the nightmares I constantly had as a small child was that the Easter Bunny was out to get me...that's how pathetic I was).

As for my dream last night...it was out there. I dreamed that Jon, Some random girl and I were on a trip...driving in a van. Then Jon decided to jump this bridge thing...and I mean jump! We flew about a thousand feet up in the air and came smashing down on the other side....actually as we were falling I said "Oh wow, we're definitely going to die". But we didn't instead we somehow survived...and miraculously so did the van...it was one of the old Dodge Caravans...they don't make them like that any more (Able to withstand massive jumps).

Anyway, once we landed we realized that the police would likely be coming because they would consider a 1000ft high jump reckless driving, so we got out of the van to hide. Instead of the police, two guys straight out of the 80's showed up in an old school Pontiac Firebird and began chasing us...At this point I interacted with the dream and gave myself the ability to kick 80's butt. And thus began the flight of a life time. Ironically Jon just hid while the girl took on the other guy. We kicked their mullet sporting butts, got back in the van and then I woke up to my alarm.

Now....Stephanie. First let me say that I have had bad luck in the past with Stephanies and am starting to think that you are a Anti-Hibernite. Is this true! As for the sickness thing...we would develop some drugs to counteract that and a special pajama suite that would ensure cleanliness during the full sleep cycle. Oh and just to be clear...I am a visionary here! That doesn't mean I need to fix every single problem!

Rainman

Sweet Dreams are Made of This???

2006-01-31T12:09:00.000-04:00

I have been reading Ezekiel lately and thinking about God's interaction with His people throughout the Old and New Testament. Many of the times when God had a message for a specific person He sent it to them in a dream. Reading the beginning of Ezekiel and his extremely strange visual encounter with the glory of God I can't help but think that he must have been dreaming. I know it doesn't say he was...so maybe he wasn't...but either way I can't help but wonder if God is sometimes trying to reach me in my dreams.

But then I begin to think about my dreams...and wow, are they ever weird. If He's trying to speak to me...I am totally missing the point. Last night I had a very elaborate dream that was basically centered around the idea of me being late to write a Branscombe Exam. Hmm, when I think about Branscombe (and the fact that he is not always known for his grace) I start to think maybe this was more of a nightmare.

In other news...music categories really confuse me sometimes. I mean what does a "Experimental, Surf Rock, Post Hardcore" band sound like exactly?

I'm also sitting here wondering about the first staplers. I wonder if they were some big elaborate machines? We have come so far...and yet we still can't even figure out how to make oranges grow without peels. Sad really.

Rainman

High-bernation

2006-01-30T15:32:00.000-04:00

Stephanie has brought up some good questions about hibernation, and I want to take a few seconds to respond to them.

First of all...this whole business of work and money. You see the big problem we have is that our paradigms are stuck in the non-hibernation world that we live in now. Obviously for a system like this to truly work alot of changes have to be made. This means massive economically changes as well which would ensure that people would not have to worry about work or money during the hibernation period. In fact, as I mentioned before, one of the great advantages of this plan is slowing down population growth and conservation of resources...both of these should help to contribute to a more stable enconomy and less poverty.

As for the drug issue...this shouldn't be a problem...people will already be hooked up to a 3 month supply of food and can also be hooked up to whatever medication they may need. In fact, it is my hope that this rest will allow the body to naturally ward off many difficult illnesses that people now battle.

In other news....
Someone should design a car that runs on CO2. It makes sense...this whole expensive gas thing is stupid and killing our enviroment. I'm all for killing, but I hate having to pay so much to do so. Give me a car that runs on free, enviromentally safe fuel and I will still go out and beat up trees and kick small animals to make "the man" happy.

Rainman

P.S. - I don't actually hate the enviroment.

P.P.S- I do however like to lie.

P.P.P.S. - Although I always tell the truth.

P.P.P (Well, alot of P's) S. - Don't trust him

Sleep Sells, But Whose Buying...

2006-01-27T09:21:00.000-04:00

%*@#!&^T!#$@#$)@#$!"&*! UNHIBERNATERS! They're ALWAYS ruining everything! (Oh, and I couldn't decide on what swear word best represented my feelings towards the unhibernaters, so I put in enough symbols for you to fill in the space with pretty much any swear word you can think of).

Okay...first to deal with the problem of the unhibernaters I have devised a revised edition of my Hibernation Theory. The solution: 2 Shifts.

Basically we would be awake for about 9 months and sleep for 3. Shift 1 would be awake from Jan - September 1, then sleep for September - December 31. Shift 2 woud be awake from September - May.

It's not idea...especially for shift 2 and the benefits would be slightly less, but I think it's worth it still.

Or solution 2: MASSIVE SECURITY. Basically everything would be locked down during the hibernation period, and people would be locked into their houses. When the approriate time comes to awaken, the time locks would release.

You know...this could make for an interesting movie.

Okay, problem 2...Sex -vs- Food. First of all, let me just say that I think people would find their sex lives much more rewarding (And likely they would be lengthened in marriages) because of the periods of celebacy during hibernation. Also we could have scientists come up with some equation to calculate the amount of Taco Bell one must consume to outway their desires...it would look something like this:

(flavor + substance) * quantity
------------------------------- = enjoyment
(frequency * duration)/ quality

Hmmm....I'm pretty sure I just crossed some sort of a line.

Oh, I also learned today that snakes only eat about once a month....and can go for about 10 months without eating at all if they need to. Perhaps this can some how be of use in our hibernating process. Maybe we can add snake DNA and become some new hybrid. Hmm, reminds me of GI Joe.

Rainman

My cure to the problems of the world...

2006-01-25T12:26:00.000-04:00

Okay...I was sitting here MSNing...or whatever you call it, when I realized that I am REALLY tired. I mean REALLY REALLY tired. So tired that right now I feel like I could sleep for about a week. And that's when it hit me....hibernation. Mabye bears have had the solution to many of the world's problems all this time. Imagine the benefits:

- We would feel more rested once we are finished hibernating.
- This could potentially mean we could work harder, longer during the time that we are not hibernating.
- Conservation: We wouldn't be using as much gas, food, etc....
- Our lives would likely seem more exciting during the "wake" period.
- Over-Populating would probably cease, because people wouldn't be having as much sex and therefore less offspring.

I'm sure the benefits are endless....in fact, Jon's bed is looking comfy...I'm off to hibernate.

Rainman

Science, where are you?

2006-01-25T11:55:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here at Massie's computer, staring at an orange and an apple that have been left on his desk...and I can't help but wonder something:

What's with the peel?

Don't get me wrong, I love oranges, especially clementines, but I hate the effort I have to put forth to eat one. All that peeling and the mess it creates....not to mention the fact that I can never seem to completely separate the peel from the orange without living some of those white stringy things behind.

So I gotta ask: Why hasn't science overcome this? Why haven't they genetically engineered some kind of super orange that grows sans peel? And don't try to tell me that they can't. They have figured out how to make MASSIVE pumpkins, invincible corn, and clone (so they have claimed) sheep and dogs. Surely they can do something as simple as this.

Come on science...time to pull up the sleeves and get to it! Until then I will have to settle for only eating oranges when someone else is around to peel them for me.

Rainman

The Origin of Chortle

2006-01-24T09:17:00.000-04:00

IT IS A WORD!

I decided to take some initiative, which is odd for me, and look up the word "chortle" or dictionary.com. To my great joy, I discovered that it is in fact a word. Actually it's a combination of two words: "chuckle" and "snort".

The official definition is "a snorting, joyful laugh or chuckle".

Apparently it was "invented" by Lewis Carrol and used for the first time in his 1872 classic, "Through the Looking Glass". Go figure.

Anyway, this got me thinking...we could invent some of our own words by simply "blending" them together. So let's make a list:

- canonball = canon + ball.
- icecream = ice + cream.

Wait a second...I suck at this.

Rainman

Things I Learned Today Strikes Back!

2006-01-23T11:16:00.000-04:00

Well, it's occured to me that I actually have nothing useful to contribute to society or the internet, so here's another useless list...because like my Dad always says, "If you can't can't write something worthwhile, write something totally useless and waste everyone's time by forcing them to read it" (Except replace "my Dad" with "some guy who probably doesn't exist".

1. I have absolutely no concept of the proper order in which the Star Wars movies came out...Hence I titled this post "Theings I Learned Today Strikes Back!" after "The Empire Strikes Back", however this post is the third installment of "Things I Learned Today", while "The Empire Strikes Back" was (to my knowledge) the second Star Wars movie to be made. (Also I think it was Episode 5). Anyway, I hope that doesn't completely alienate all of you Star Wars fans out there. Hey here's a question: If Star Trek fans are called Trekkies, what are Star Wars fans called?

2. Classes are just as boring with "Special Speakers" as they are with the old run-of-the-mill teachers.

3. Tom Hanks was involved in the TV Series "Band of Brothers". I have no idea as to the capacity of his involvement...although I'm assuming it was co-director...but basically that makes yet another thing Tom Hanks has done that I have not. For those of you keeping tally , the current total is Tom Hanks = 138,574 -vs- Paul = 2.

4. Making fun of Jon and his pathetic internet is only funny until you have to use it.

5. According to Josh (and his extensive research) there are currently no plans to make a Trans-Atlantic bridge from North America to Europe. So...this could be a real opportunity for any engineers out there. (BTW Josh, your plans made me chortle)

6. Neither Chris or I have any real clue as to how to spell "chortle"...in fact, Chris has never heard the word before. I was under the impression that it was a type of mild laughter, but maybe it isn't actually a word.

7. Okay, I didn't learn this today...but being at number 7 just made me wonder about something: Why do we associate 7 with being a lucky number? Is there any sort of historical reason for this?

8. The Chinese have a character for the word "Smorking" which isn't actually a word (At least to my knowledge).

9. Combining Pink and Green seems to be very popular right now.

10. You rarely get a job if you fail to give the employer your application. (This is a special note for Jon, since he has had an application for Ultramar on his desk now for over 2 weeks).

Well, there you have it...as you can see I am wasting my tuition...since very little of this was actually learned in the classroom.

Rainman

Things I learned today, Part Deux

2006-01-20T11:39:00.000-04:00

Today was a big day for me...maybe I can even make it to ten:

1. Remember that guy when you were little that always claimed that "you missed" when you were playing guns in your backyard? I now realize the solution to the problem...use real guns.

2. Skee-Lo still rules. I also wish I was a little bit taller. Clearly his one hit is a timeless classic.

3. There will be various "rewards" in heaven, and Chris Massie will get ice cream.

4. Dr. Gavel is opposed to words under three syllables.

5. I'm not gifted in the ways of spelling, and thus am not certain if the word "syllables" is actually spelled correctly in #4.

6. Hearing people talk in their sleep can provide countless seconds of enjoyment until they begin muttering, "Dead, dead, all of them! I'm going to kill them ALL!"

7. Yes Rob, I do want you to come visit and stay over at our place. (I realize this has nothing to do with "Things I learned today" but I needed to fit it in there somewhere.

8. People who claim that "everything is more fun when you are high" clearly have not considered falling. Falling is definitely much less fun when you are high. Example: Falling off the CN Tower...that wouldn't be fun at all. In fact I think it would be quite painful. Although someone told me yesterday that cats have a lower and terminal velocity and therefore can survive a fall from great heights. (This has never been tested due to animal cruelty regulations). So maybe if you were a cat, falling could be more fun when you are high.

9. Sleeping is an extremely effective cure for fatigue...going to class is not.

10. Scientists suggest that your brain wakes up from sleep in stages. Therefore when you first get out of bed, your brain is not fully active for awhile. Although I actually learned this the other day, I can't help but think that maybe I shouldn't be commuting to school in the morning. Some days I arrive here and can't remember actually driving here. You should all be very scared.

There you have it. These are the things that I learned today. My Grandmother claims that "you learn something new everyday". Today I have proved her right. She doesn't have the internet, but if she did...I bet she would be proud right now. Actually she would probably be confused and driving some poor technical support worker crazy as she tried to figure out how to use the internet, but yeah....

Rainman

Things I learned today...

2006-01-18T11:49:00.000-04:00

1. McDonald's now serves Breakfast and Supper....they are confused by this new concept called lunch.

2. Jon's bed is evil. Actually it is alot like sin...it looks good, it feels good, and once you are lying in it, you can't get out on your own.

3. I am an idiot...as pointed out by Matthew who caught my error in the last post. I meant to say Jessica Simpson, not Jennifer.

4. Jon is going to be dead by this afternoon because he is single handedly taking on the internet, which is obviously a losing battle.

5. Feminine men make better husbands...so with the legalization of gay marriages we should see a rapid decrease in the divorce rate.

6. Nerf guns CAN hurt. Proximity is the key.

7. Chris Massie has no concept of what the word "rhyme" means.

8. I did not learn 10 things today...unfortunately the list has to end here.

I'm not exactly sure where this came from, but I hate making lists that are less than or greater than 10 items. It's really a struggle of mine.

Rainman

People are so predictable...

2006-01-17T09:52:00.000-04:00

Okay, time for a quick rant:

Why do we get SO stuck on the little things sometimes? Life (at least this life) is too short and the mission too great for us to be lost in our own selfish desires and stuck in our petty strongholds.

I realize that makes very little sense, since I'm not going to actually refer to what brought that up, but I will say this...if I get stuck on something stupid, PLEASE KICK ME!

Now back to our regularly scheduled program:

Renata and I watched "War of the Worlds" yesterday...not bad. It didn't blow me away, but it did entertain me. (Of course that isn't really all that hard to do).

I'm bored with music these days...not playing it...but just with what is out there. It's not that people aren't making good music these days, just that at the moment I'm finding most of it to be the same old thing. Right now I'm surfing purevolume.com in hopes of finding something that will spark my interest, but so far...no luck. Am I missing something? What are you guys listening to?

Oh no...I feel another rant coming on....
I'm SO tired of these mainstream musicians and there "sex sells" mentality. I'm sure it does, but whatever happened to letting talent and creativity do the work? Anyone can make a music video with half naked women grinding anything that comes within six feet of them. Honestly... I am not even sickened by pop music...heck, one of my secret loves (Musically that is) is Mariah Carey. I have no idea why I like her songs, but all I know is that any time I see her on T.V. I just want to offer her a housecoat.

So to sum it up: Britney Spears, Christina Aquilera, Jennifer and Ashley Simpson, and all the other female musicians out there that are on the sex sells train should be put back in a bottle and never "rubbed the right way". Of course that's just my opinion.

And don't even get me started about 50 Cent and the current rap/hip hop scene...

Wow...I'm getting bitter in my old age. Could this be a stronghold lol.

Rainman

Holiness, Shmoliness...

2006-01-13T09:17:00.000-04:00

Okay, as a diclaimer I should mention that I am VERY tired right now...so this may not make sense. It also may explain my current frustration...

It bothers me that people in my Doctrine of Holiness class aren't willing to hear out Dr. Gavel with open minds. Whether you agree with the doctrine or not initially, I still feel you should hear his views on it and then make an informed decision. Maybe even after hearing what he has to say you may still feel just as strongly that it is impossible to achieve holiness in this life...but I think we all owe it to ourselves to approach something like this without our biases getting in the way.

Afterall...agree or disagree, God has said "Be holy, because I am holy." If you disagree with the doctrine of holiness, then you need to find some way to explain way God commands us to be holy. Seems like a jerkish thing to do if it isn't possible.

Anyway...that's not as humourous as usual, I know, but then again there is a time to laugh and a time to cry...right now feels like a time to sleep...

Rainman

A Day in the Sun...

2006-01-12T11:26:00.000-04:00

is something I might be enjoying if there was even the slightest hint of sunshine out there. However, I've come to accept that sunshine and Saint John seldom go hand in hand. Nevertheless today is my day off...and wow am I thankful for that!

My plans for the day include the following...

1. Discovering the secret of cold fusion. (How hard can it be if Elizabeth Shue managed to do it in "The Saint"?)

2. Mastering time travel. (Notice I said "mastering" which suggests that I already have the ability...For all you know I'm actually from the future...or the past...or maybe even the present! Okay, in all honesty the closest I have gotten to actual time travel is going from the kitchen to my bedroom where my alarm clock is a few minutes fast.)

3. Conquering a small trailer park. (I figure if I plan to someday be the rule of Earth I should start conquering some stuff now. )

4. Inventing some sort of product which I will call "Pepis" so that I can convince Lor that it wasn't really a typo.

5. Not following through on anything I start. (This is key...because A) I really know very little about science and B) I'm lazy.

By the way, the information on Pepsi was very enlightening. Maybe that's why my parents would give me flat pepsi or coke when I was sick to my stomach. Although I'm not exactly sure why they insisted on it being flat...I mean if that was really important you would think that Brad would have originally made it that way.

Do you ever wonder where the Monkees got there name??? Sometimes I do. I mean it really is a pretty stupid name. Then again, so is the Beatles and various other band names...like Britney Spears...what a dumb name. Why would someone name their band Britney Spears? I would have chosen a better name...like Taco Belle. Yeah, that's a hit name.

All right...I think it's obvious that I have absolutely nothing to contribute to this world, so I'm off to the showers...."and in case I don't see you; Good afternoon, Good evening and Good night".

Rainman

Hat Trick

2006-01-11T10:35:00.000-04:00

They said it couldn't be done! Back to back to back posts. But low and behold, I've done it. Three in a row...it's a miracle...or perhaps a signal of the end of the world.

So first of all I just have to say that Matt made my day with his reply to my last post. Finally I know the story behind Scotch tape. Who would have ever thought that it really was named after the Scotish. And this got me thinking...what else are the Scots behind? People are always babbling on about the Free Masons and other such underground organizations, but could it be that they are simply distractions to keep our eyes off of the real underground power: The Scots? If they are, then I've probably already said too much...and this may be my last post ever. Or maybe by me saying that, they will be forced to spare me because if they were to have me killed then everyone would know it was all true! Of course with an organization as powerful as the Scots I'm sure they have ways of "erasing" people altogether.

In other news, today was officially the worst day (to present) for getting up. At 6:15am this morning my body was in no shape to rise out of bed and even less to get behind a wheel. I'm sorry to all those lives that I endangered by simply being on the road. This whole 8am class thing has got to stop. I mean this tyranny has gone on long enough, hasn't it? There's no need for it! The only reason it is still around, I'm guessing, is because of the Scots. They must be behind it. This is their way of ensuring that otherwise intelligent beings are reduced to caffine addicted, sleep deprived zombies. Well I say DOWN WITH THE SCOTS!

(Suddenly I have developed a great fear of the Scottish Mints my grandmother is always offering me...how do I know what's in them?)

Okay, I really have nothing else worthwhile to add to this magic creation we call the internet, so take care.

Rainman

P.S. - For anyone that may have time to kill (Matt) I would like to know where the name Pepsi came from. I mean Coke came, supposedly, from their original usage of cocaine in their cola...but what about Pepis?

And the song plays on...

2006-01-10T10:07:00.000-04:00

-Day #2 of Project "Back in Class"-

Well, all I can say is that I am SO glad that I have Tuesdays and Thursdays off, because I feel like someone ran over me with a Zambonie. 6am to 9:30pm is a long day. Luckily it is filled with fun and dancing...oh no, wait that's Britney Spears' day, not mine. Mine is filled with rambling and chicken. The big question I've been asking myself is, "Can I keep this up?" Can I survive an entire semester of Mondays?

Looking on the bright side...I've come realize that there are a few benefits to having such a long day:
1. I have something to complain about. Which is always important.
2. The song "Manic Monday" suddenly has so much more meaning for me.
3. When I go crazy and kill someone I will be able to blame it on a lack of sleep.
4. I get two helpings of Gavel's rabbit trail laden lectures in one day! (Okay, maybe this belongs on a different list).
5. The possibility for smoke breaks in a 15 and half hour day are unlimited! (If only I smoked...)

Today I've also come to the conclusion that all internet search engines are against me. My personal opinion is that someone should program a search engine around my personal preferences. When you type in something it will completely ignore what you typed and instead bring up whatever my heart desires at that moment. Example:

You type: "Current Exchange Rates"
Results: www.purevolume.com

Notice that it only gives one result...that's the GREAT part about it. No more sifting through a million useless sites in search of that one good one. Now you will be given only one site...sure it may have nothing to do with what you are looking for...but that's how search engines seem to work now anyway. In this case, I have saved you the boredom of economics and led you to the joy of music.

So I hear Matt Good has a new album out. You will buy it for me!

If you are looking for something to do, I've been really curious about scotch tape lately. Why is it called scotch tape? Was it invented by a scot? Is scotch used in the making of it? I have no idea...and frankly I'm too lazy to find out for myself. That's where you come in...you will wade through the endless web and find me the results.

Well, believe it or not I actually have important things to do...so I guess I should go do them. Good luck with "The Search for Answers".

Rainman

Back in Black....well, maybe not black...but I am back.

2006-01-09T11:38:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a LONG time since I have updated this crazy thing, so I guess I had better post something before all of you (Like Josh) start to think I was just a figment of your imaginations. So here goes:

First off, today is my first day back in classes...
My feelings = This sucks.
I know that I should have a better attitude...perhaps I should be thankful for the structure that this wonderful institution is adding back into my life...but instead I am stuck thinking about how on earth I am going to survive getting up a 6am everyday to make the drive into Sussex for my first class. Right now I'm trying to stay motivated by reminding myself that it's only for 3 months.

In other news...
I'm still married. Sometimes I wonder how Renata can stand to put up with me...but then I am reminded that I am awesome :) Actually being married is an amazing thing...and it constantly reminds me how much I have to learn about myself and others.

There are no babies on the way...nor do I foresee any in the near future. This is for many reasons:
1. I'm really not that good looking...so I can only convince Renata to be "intimate" with me when she is drunk. (I'm just kidding...of course that was obvious to you, because we all know I am EXTREMELY good looking).

2. Babies cost money...and I am a student....nuff said.

3. Babies are painful. Or so Renata seems to think...it may take some convincing on this one for her to be okay with the idea.

4. Babies are attention grabbers...and Emma (our cat) already steals alot of Renata's attention from me...I mean do I REALLY want to bring more competition into my house.

5. Okay...time for a little more serious reason. The timing right now doesn't seem completely right. Some day I would love to have a little version of Renata or I running around (as scary as that may be for the rest of the world) but I want to make sure that we are able to give it the love, comfort and security that it needs. And right now we both know that we can't.

What else...
Well, I've decided to do my intership at Saint John First Wesleyan. It was something that Renata and I debated for many months, but we finally got our answer on Christmas Eve when God clearly informed us that His plan was for us to stay there. So, we are. We are aware that it mean some possible struggles...but in the end we know that we will only be happy following His will.

Along with that we are considering buying a small house or condo in Saint John, since it seems like a better option than simply lighting our money on fire each month (paying rent). Right now this is little more than a glimmer in our eyes, since we both know so little about that kind of stuff. Welcome to REAL world I guess.

I could probably go on and on, since it's been SO long since I posted on here....but instead I think I will end there.

Rainman

An Ordinary Life...

2005-09-22T17:33:00.000-03:00

Everyday, for the past week, I've been logging onto here with thoughts of posting something. The problem is...what. Lately, not alot has really been happening that's worth mentioning. I guess I am just living an average, ordinary life.

At first that realization was kind of depressing. My life is so boring that I can't even think of anything to write. But then it hit me...things could be worse. I use the term "hit me" pretty loosely, because really it was brought on by studying 1 Peter. He spends five chapters basically encouraging people who are suffering for Christ...and as I read it for the millionth time I realized how lucky I am (in some ways) to not be one of them. (I say in some ways, because as Peter points out there are definite pluses to suffering for Christ). Each day I can wake up and openly thank God for another sunrise. Every sunday i can go to church without fear (At least not yet). I can talk to my friends, family and even strangers about Christ without worrying about breaking any laws or being martyred for my faith. So yeah...maybe I do just live an average ordinary life...but I'm so lucky to be so.

Rainman

Thank God life isn't fair

2005-09-07T22:07:00.000-03:00

Grace. What an incredible word. So small...so simple...yet so meaningful. It’s amazing how such a simple word can carry with it a meaning that few can wrap their minds around. He died for me. He died for my sins. I never deserved it. I never earned it. I didn’t have to. It was a free. That’s the most incredible part of it.
So often we think about this world and complain that it isn’t fair; but that’s the miracle of it all. In a fair world, the bad would be punished and the good rewarded. But if I was really honest with myself, I’d have to admit that I’m probably in the “bad” category a lot more than I am in the “good”. And yet, He spares me. Thank God life isn’t fair.

Building a Community for Other

2005-09-06T08:34:00.000-03:00

     It has taken me awhile to do, because I’ve been juggling a few books, but I just finished reading Walt Kallestad’s “Turn Your Church Inside Out”.  I’ve never heard of him or his church but I’m glad I read this book.  He really helps put a lot of things into perspective.
     Most churches are inwardly focused.  We’ve become content to meet every week and pat each other on the back, while completely ignoring our communities around us.  On the off chance that someone does wander into our churches from the outside world, we aren’t even prepared to minister to them.  To be honest, I have to wonder if I would even be comfortable in my home church if it wasn’t my HOME church.
     And so Walt suggests that we need to shift our paradigm to become more outwardly focused.  Some people are hesitant when they hear a statement like that because they think that the church must become shallow and less focused on discipleship, but that’s not at all the case.  In fact when you have a mission like this you will need to become MORE focused on deepening relationships with Christ.
     This book is not a step by step guide on how to become a church for others, but it is full of practical ideas that can help kick start the paradigm shift.  One of my favorite parts of this book is that he talks about dreaming for Christ.  When’s the last time we took some time to dream about what the church could be like?
     Lately I’ve been doing some of that.  Not necessarily a lot, but I’ve found the more I dream the more a passion inside me grows to become reliant on Christ.  I believe, as the Bible says, that He wants to build His church...I guess we just need to hand it over to Him.

Rainman

Creatures of Habit

2005-08-22T07:45:00.000-03:00

     Yesterday our church service was focused on community and to help the body feel closer we rearranged the seating some.  In fact, we took out about 100 chairs.  This left only about 200 chairs and they were all closer to the front.  Our hope was that by removing those seats people would be forced to sit in a more compact area and we would feel closer to each other.
     Well, our plan worked.  With only 200 chairs we almost had them all filled and this meant that everyone was sitting close to someone else.  No one was alone.  It was a beautiful sight really...for the first time the church wasn’t separated by any lines.  Young, old, rich, poor, black and white all sat next to each other.
     But, as you can imagine, some people were really thrown off by the whole thing.  After all, we are creatures of habit...and if you attend church on a regular basis you likely have “your” seat that you ALWAYS sit in.  For most, not having “their” seat was a minor inconvenience, but there were a few that really seemed bothered by it.
     It’s funny really how something so small can really bother us when we are so good at tuning out much more major things.
     Anyway...the seats will likely go back this week and people will once again be able to sit in “their” seat and possibly segregate themselves from the body.  At least we will be able to remember that one Sunday when we really were one body.

The Relevant Church

2005-08-21T08:39:00.000-03:00

     A few days ago I finished reading “The Relevant Church” by Jennifer Ashley.  I have to say that no book has ever challenged my idea of church as much as that one.  It’s amazing how caught up in the whole idea of buildings and service structures we become...to the point that anything outside of that suddenly seems like it isn’t even church.
     Church, however, isn’t a building, an individual or a specific service structure.  In fact, when Christ spoke of the church he spoke of the whole body of believers.  Therefore, church really is the people of God.  We are the church.
     But the question put forward in this specific book deals with the relevancy of the church in our postmodern, pluralistic society.  Recently at the Leadership Summit, Bill Hybels suggested that relevancy is truly what people are interested in these days.  There was a time when the big question on everyone’s mind was, “Is there even God?” but now the question has become, “Who cares, is it even relevant to my life?”
     When a person is hungry, lonely, homeless, helpless, poor or struggling with an addiction they don’t really care if there is a God or a heaven unless He can do something for them right now.  Unless He affects their lives in the present, then His existence, as well as the churches, is irrelevant.
     After reading this book, where many of their ways to be relevant involved changing buildings and styles it occurred to me that these changes will not keep you relevant.  If you attempt to be relevant by keeping up with the trends you will always be either a step behind or one step from going back to being irrelevant.
     Having said that, I believe that these changes can be very useful...we have to be open to change, especially if it can attract the unchurched.  Paul seemed to believe this when he said he would, “be all things to all people...” but the key part of that verse to me is the, “ALL things” part.  We can make aesthetic changes that will attract people, but we must do more than attract.
     I believe that the key to being relevant has very little to do with specific music, colors, or buildings and everything to do with being holistic in our ministry.  As the church we spend a lot of time talking about our beliefs and preaching the Gospel (Thankfully) but we need to also live these out.  Being relevant means meeting needs.  It means loving people...not just telling them God loves them, but actually showing them.
     You would be hard pressed to find a church that LIVES the Gospel message that isn’t exploding with people and interest.
     The long and short in my opinion...if you want to a relevant church...be Christ.

Reading...

2005-08-20T12:20:00.000-03:00

     Over this past year I’ve really developed a passion for learning.  I suppose it was always there, but now I am seeing the benefit of learning through books.  So I think I will add some blogs about what I am reading and how it is affecting me.

     Recently I am reading:
          “Turn Your Church Inside Out” by Walt Kallestad
          “And Jesus Said” by William Barclay
     I just finished reading:
          “The Relevant Church” by Jennifer Ashley
          “The Tent Making Pastor” by Dennis W. Bickers

     It’s pretty easy to see a trend here.  I very rarely read for pleasure, although I do take pleasure in it.  Generally I try to read for the express purpose of learning more about ministry or the Bible.  So I guess really I should probably add the Bible up there under the list of things I am currently reading, since I try to read from it daily.
     Right now I am going through the book of Nehemiah attempting to prepare for a sermon...although I haven’t picked a specific verse yet.  Anyway...that’s what I am reading.

Super Friends and Superficial Friendships

2005-08-20T12:11:00.000-03:00

     Recently I received in the mail some forms to fill out for the DBMD (District Board of Ministerial Development).  The first thing that stood out to me is the sheer length of the main form that I have to fill out.  I mean the thing has 82 questions on it.  Most of which aren’t questions that can be answered with one word.  But I suppose it is relatively important to ask them all.
     The second thing that I realized was how little people outside of my “main circle of friends” know about me.  You see there are also 3 forms that I am supposed to get filled out by people that know me.  They suggest that these people be a Theology Professor, the Vice-Chairman of your church board, and your pastor.  Unfortunately the Vice-Chairman barely knows me...and I really am not all that close to any of my professors.
     So I’m left to wonder if maybe I need to be a little more “friendly”.  I mean I generally consider myself to be a friendly guy and usually try to be as much of an open book as possible...but maybe I am just being superficial with people outside of my “click”.
     Of course, maybe that is how we are meant to be?  Perhaps we are supposed to have superficial relationships with certain people?  I’m not really sure where I am going with this...so I guess I will stop there.

New beginnings

2005-08-20T11:59:00.000-03:00

I’ve decided to give this blog a fresh new start and actually “blog” about things that matter. (Or at least interest me.)